Secret in Death
by Anlynne
Summary: They stayed away as long as they could, but when Bella and Jasper give in they have to make a choice that will determine not only their future, but everyone else's.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Beauty

There was a fascinating thing about beauty. Though humans eyes were weak they shouldn't miss the beauty the world had to offer. And in some ways they should.

Jasper couldn't remember his human life well. He was born in 1844 in Texas by parents who weren't a big part of his life and they didn't retain in his mind when he became a vampire, but he could recall that the waters were clearer, the air fresher. Humans should miss that.

Then there was the beauty they overlooked. He didn't need his brother Edward's mind-reading to know that the students of Forks High School missed the true beauty that was Isabella Swan. It wasn't just her oddly deep chocolate eyes or the way her hair was so silky it glowed. It was her concerned feelings, her empathy, her love. It was everything...

Jasper didn't feel her right away and he didn't care to. His only interest was what she would do to his family. He thought about killing her. He wouldn't have been cruel about it, he wouldn't have drunk her blood. It would've been quick and painless. But Edward would have fought him if he tried, and no one could beat him. Despite that, Jasper was the one who calmed discords in their family, he didn't cause them.

He first felt her when Edward brought her home, and he swore he fell in love with her then, but it was from the moment she sat with Edward in Biology class that the family didn't trust her. Not even Edward.

They didn't trust Jasper either. They had founded reasons for it and those reasons were simple: They didn't trust Bella because she was a clumsy human. They didn't trust him because he was an uncontrollable vampire.

His - their family were very careful about keeping them apart. The closest he came to her was hiding her in a hotel room from a vengeful vampire. That was with his sister Alice who kept a constant watch on him foreseeing into their future.

Maybe that's what it was... Not the desire to break rules but to do what felt so good, which for him was to be with her. Bella. His Bella. The one who trusted him even after he snapped at her when she cut her finger. He continued to feel bad about that. No, bad wasn't the right word... Agonizing was good. Many times he pushed it out of his mind of what could have happened if Edward didn't protect her, if their other brother Emmett hadn't grabbed him... He would have killed her. And yet, the guilt wasn't enough to keep him away. She forgave him even when he couldn't forgive himself. She loved him despite it and he knew that love was stronger than it should have been from his brother's girlfriend. His brother's _human_ girlfriend no less. And he thrived upon it, that love. It wasn't able to intensify his own, it was maxed out but it felt good. Too good.

She was a drug, the best kind of addiction. When she was at their house her Freesia scent was intoxicating. He had to leave, had to keep his mind clean in case Edward saw. Alice had already been seeing their future, the havoc it would cause, and he tried to care about that. He couldn't. He loved his family, the family Alice chose for them before they met at that cafe. He loved them but he loved Bella more.

It was steps to her. It was sitting in the edge of the forest looking into the window wall at her in their home. He called back the memory of the one game of chess they played. He involved himself in it, not looking up but it was difficult. She was awful at chess. He would watch her in the forest as she played the bear that was Emmett. She lost to him too.

When Edward was away hunting he would sit in the woods outside of her home looking into her window while she slept. He never went in. He never tempted himself. He sat there and thought about what would happen if he did go inside.

Then they took the ultimate step that was the beginning of _them_. He knew it would be that final step, the break in his determination to keep his distance from her. She would know for certain how much he cared for her, how much he loved her.

He perched himself in the tree and tapped her window. Timidly she walked up, her hair dripping wet splotches on her ratty shirt, and when she saw that it was him she opened the window and stepped aside for him to jump through, which he did.

He was hit in the gut by the strong aroma of her. It made his mouth fill with venom but he focused on her, her curiosity. She wasn't scared of him. By all rights she should have been. However, she wasn't in danger. He couldn't think of her that way - as a meal - but he was thinking of her in other ways and those ways were depleting the monster that he was.

"I was waiting for you," she said simply but there was the longing radiating from her and it only increased his own.

"I know, I'm sorry."

"What took you so long?"

_Edward, you, my own morals for what I'm about to do... _"I don't know." _I don't know why all of that kept __me from seeing you. It wasn't worth it._

"You're here now." She made it sound as if it made up for all the time they could have had. They were talking as if they had talked a thousand times before, as if it weren't their first _real_ conversation. Despite the distance they put between them - that their family put there - he never felt closer to anyone before. It was as if they knew each other forever...

He tried to smile but it faltered. He had to try... "Be still, please?"

She did as he said, she barely breathed. He went up to her and lifted his hand. "May I?"

She nodded mutely swallowing thickly.

He brushed his fingers lightly down her cheeks a spark where they made contact. Her face heated with blood scorching his fingers, and the monster inside of him roared. He closed his eyes against the monster, against her. He moved his fingers down her neck feeling the thin membrane, the tasteful blood moving beneath.

One twitch of the finger... One moment of weakness... He stepped back. For her safety. For his. But he did it. He touched her without killing her. He was in the same small enclosure of her bedroom and he wasn't losing control.

"Breathe Bella," he directed with a smile.

She exhaled and he flinched. "I'm sorry..."

"Sorry for breathing?"

"Sorry for..."

"Is there a name for this?"

"No..."

He agreed and he would be stretching his control, testing himself and risking her in the process, but he was tired (emotionally) of staying away from her. It wasn't worth the tearing of his insides, and so he asked. "Bella, tonight - if only for tonight - may I stay with you?"

Tears brimmed her eyes, guilt raged but she was resolved. She held out her hand and he took it. He took the opportunity to soothe her. It was only on the surface but it was enough to keep her tears from spilling over.

She guided him to her bed and laid down, him with her. He laid on his side as she laid on her back. Their joined hands were between them keeping them linked but the bond that was formed... It was too late to severe that.

He stared into her deep eyes and she stared back into his gold ones. He hunted excessively since she came into his life. Just in case...

"What do we do, Jasper?"

"We wait until we find a way to tell them."

"Alice knows."

He chuckled, "Alice always knows."

"Then Jacob knows..."

Jacob Black, the mongrel that Jasper hated with the only purpose that they were meant to destroy them. However, the treaty that the vampires and werewolves kept was void since last year when he imprinted on Alice. They had only been apart shortly after that when she had been forced to leave with Bella to save Edward's life in Italy. When they came back with the said suicidal vampire, Jacob and Alice were immediately rejoined and they hadn't left each other's sides since.

"Edward will find out," she continued.

"She'll be careful. Don't worry." He observed her tired eyes, the darkness under them. "Sleep, darling."

She did and he watched and listened. He listened to her breathing, and her sweet but enticing heartbeat.

He heard what Edward found so entertaining. She talked, but it was worse for she said Jasper's name. Right there would be the problem because Edward came back the next day, and yet he couldn't find the regret he should have felt for being with her the way he was. It was worth any re-compensation he would have to forfeit.

***

Jasper was beautiful. Tall, lean, strong, empathetic, and guided strongly by his morals of being a vegetarian, no matter how he had trouble monitoring it. It was impossible to feel uncomfortable in his presence, and not directly because of his ability to manipulate emotions. There was the undercurrent of feeling _better_ when he was near. That current was important because it helped her discern what was her feelings and what was his, and her feelings were clear the moment she saw him in the cafeteria.

It wasn't as though she didn't love Edward. Edward, the bronze vampire she compared to Greek god Adonis. He was kind and gentle. He saved her life countless of times. He loved her more than she ever deserved.

That was why guilt weighed a ton in her stomach for feeling the way she did towards Jasper. She tried to be the best girlfriend possible but she couldn't act like a soul mate much longer, to pretend that she felt what he did merely because of repentance. She was living a lie and she was tired of it, not only emotionally but physically. She was afraid to fall asleep, afraid of calling out Jasper's name. She would never be able to explain that. She was a terrible liar and it felt too good for him to go on his hunting trips so she could sleep without fear. He saw her fatigue and blamed it upon her schoolwork, upon the wolves in the reservation.

She couldn't be more happy that her mind was the only one that Edward couldn't read. Like a box in her head she kept mental images of Jasper, they did no justice to actually seeing him but she pulled them out when she needed them most. She would transfix herself on the light scars of his skin, his penetrating and teasing gaze. She would think of the one time they played chess together, his nimble fingers moving the pieces with precision and assertion. The way he leaned against the doorways, the walls, the furniture as if he needed support, and when he didn't he was poised, graceful, and lethal.

She was sure that when Jasper decided to give in, coming into her room that she was dreaming. She thought more than once that he had feelings for her too but she was apt to believe that her mind was playing tricks on her, cruel tricks at that. But at his cold touch she was assured that she was fully awake, and all she could think was, _it's about time._

He calmed her fears, her agitation and stayed by her side as she caught her first essential night's sleep. It felt good, his cold body next to hers, his sweet scent of Orchid's and fresh rain.

She would do something she never attempted before: She would try not to be worried about the next morning, about Edward finding out. She would let it all come when it did. Of course the second Jasper left her she would fail but that night was about them together and she hated that she had to sleep through it. It was sinful, that's what it was. She missed 9 hours that she could've had with him, enjoying their time. She didn't know how long she would have with him. Would he leave in the morning? Would she survive the night?

It wasn't surprising that the latter was the least of her worries. Her life would be worth the one night she would have with him.

* * *

A/N: Three things I should probably clear up:

1. This story is revolved around the secret romance between Jasper and Bella. Their secret is born of worry and fear of hurting anyone, especially Edward.

2. Jasper and Alice's history is the same, only they never fell in love. They are like brother and sister here.

3. I know that Edward's ability extends for miles, but in this story I limited it.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Thirst

There was nothing more pleasing than waking up to Jasper. Unless one was to count being with him inclusively... She wasn't much of a morning person but it was easy to be when she could wake next to him every day.

Bella hadn't moved at all during the night, their hands were still together and his face was the first thing she saw. Much more satisfactory than the sunrise, no matter how rare it was in Forks. She didn't even remember dreaming, not one nightmare.

"Good morning, darling," he greeted, tenderly sweeping a loose strand of hair from her ponytail over her shoulder. He lingered there for a long moment before trailing down her arm. It sent shivers up her spine that had nothing to do with his cold skin. It was making her tremble and he paused pulling his hand back.

She moaned, "no, it's okay."

His smile widened just enough that he wasn't showing too many of his razor-sharp teeth. Propping himself up he gently took her arm. The careful way he was handling her made it feel like a tentative experiment on their relationship - whatever it was.

It was the lightest of touches that he drew designs on her arm with the tip of his forefinger. He drew circles and swirls, lines and his name. He was like ice but his name seemed to burn into her skin invisibly branding her. It reached all the way into her heart.

Slowly - even for a human - he placed a kiss on the back of her hand. He placed another on the pulse point of her wrist. He looked to her in question and she nodded quickly for him to go on. He moved up to the crease of her elbow to her shoulder that the cloth of her shirt couldn't hinder. He kissed another pulse point on her neck. He hovered over her cheek for a second and he kissed her there too, holding himself there.

She had to remind herself to breathe. For her, it was an easy thing to forget. He was sending her into a hazy spiral and the only thing that was clear or real to her then was him.

"Bella," he said in his deeply velvet voice, that if it could be possible sounded husky. "May I kiss you?"  
What a stupid thing to ask, but it was very much like him to do so. He didn't want to push her, to cross the threshold that would make her feel uncomfortable, like it wasn't impossible to feel with him. Though it was stupid to think that she would say no she found it charming, sweet, and her heart melted. She knew that his asking was out of respect for her and that she appreciated.

"Please," she said trying not to gasp but she had barely said the word when his lips were on hers.

Heaven... It was heaven... No words were fit to describe it. She kept breathing but her hands went to his face caressing him feeling the raised scars, and the ends of his wavy blond hair that reached his eyes. She felt him grip her waist pulling her closer. Closer wasn't close enough, she wrapped her leg over his hip, she breathed him in and he returned just as fierce pushing her back to push her nearer.

Then suddenly he stopped. He cautiously pushed her back at arms length. His neck and jaw was tense, his thin lips pursed together. There was thirst in his honey eyes.

She knew to stay still, to keep her breath shallow. It had become out of instinct. Whenever there was a problem she tensed ready for the blow. It wasn't out of fear - she had never feared any of the Cullen's. There wasn't a good enough reason to. It was preparation.

"I did it," Jasper muttered sounding a bit surprised and proud. He beamed. "I can be with you."

That was what the night was about. Jasper gave in but he didn't know if he could stay. It was all a test on his will power. And he passed. She was alive as proof.

"You had doubts." It was a rhetorical question; not so much a question as a fact.

"When Carlisle changes you, you'll understand completely."

She came up short, startled by his use of the word "when." Whenever Edward dared mentioned her mortality, of the possibility that he would give in, he always used "if." If she changed her mind... If he changed his... If they could reach a compromise... If he could hold off letting her be changed...

"What is it, Bella?"

"_When_ Carlisle changes me?"

He seemed confused. "Isn't it what you want? You've been begging Edward..."

That was true, her life and death was a constant argument between them. She didn't risk entertaining the thought that Jasper would side with her though... Hope elated her. "It's exactly what I want! Jasper, when?"

He laughed, his happiness adding to her own. "Don't you think we should tell our family about us first?"  
The elation was puncture, falling like a balloon that had just been popped. She didn't love Edward the same way he loved her, but she didn't want to hurt him or the family. She had been the root of so much of their trouble that it was wrong to do it knowingly, but there was something between Jasper and her that wasn't there with Edward. A partnership.

Jasper cupped her cheek. "You do want this, don't you, Bella?"

"I want you."

He kissed her forehead. "It will all work out then."

She had to believe that, not only for her sanity but Jasper's as well. "Okay."

From his jean pocket was a soft ringing and he withdrew a small silver cell phone. He didn't look at the caller i.d. "Hello?"

One of the many abilities Bella looked forward to as a vampire besides the strength and grace was to be able to hear the other side of phone conversations. It was much like Edward answering people's thoughts, leaving others confused. It irritated Emmett and deep down it annoyed her too.

"Thanks," he said and clicked the phone shut. He kissed her lips fleetingly. "Alice says we have an hour until Edward comes home."

It didn't sound right. Hiding and sneaking. Lying. Plotting. It was like she was cheating - she was cheating, but it certainly didn't feel that way. She was simply meant for Jasper. Edward was curious about her, about why he couldn't read her mind. That didn't mean that they were soul mates. He loved her but it wasn't enough for either of them. If it was he would see how much better it would be for her to be like him, he would have never left. None of those facts made her feel much better, she was messing with the people she loved.

"I don't like this, we'll have to tell him soon, won't we?" She started rambling. "I can't stand lying. I can't lie, not to him. I can't sneak around like - like - some..." There wasn't a word that was worthy of what she was. "This is wrong Jasper, I love you but -" she cut short as he took her face into his grip. She realized that she just confessed to loving him. It was true.

He was beaming again as though he were shining with light from the inside. "I love you too. We will tell him, darling, we will. You're not a bad person, I can feel that you feel that, but you're not. We tried staying away from each other and it didn't work out. We had to know if we were possible. We are, and we will find a way to them all soon but give us the time to do that."

He was right. She would have to pretend a little longer. It wasn't going to be easy, but it would be worth it. If anything was for certain it was that she couldn't be away from Jasper. They never stood a chance against each other and it was worth anything and everything to keep him. "Okay. Alright."

He released her. "Here's what we have to do. Clean the sheets and your clothes, take a shower. You need to get most of my scent out of here but that'll take hours we don't have. Come straight over to the house to see Alice, that'll keep Edward from here."

"And what about my scent on you?"

"I'll take a hunting trip." He flinched. "I need it."

"That helps?"

"Yes." he kissed her a last time. "I won't see you today, it'll be too hard for both of us while Edward is there. And a bit of advice about lying darling, is to believe what you say. I wasn't here tonight. None of this happened."

_Believe it._ "No, it didn't."

"Good job. I'll see you soon," and he was gone, out of the open window.

It was odd, although he could never leave a warm spot on the bed the room felt colder without him, like a coat ripped off of her in the dead of winter. It was chilling. She wanted to know _when_ she would see him again. The date and time.

There was no time to dwell. She started stripping the bed.

***

Edward was going to kill him. That was for certain. Jasper's only shred of hope was that Emmett and Alice would stop him, that Carlisle would make him see sense. How long could that last? Eventually Edward's anger would get the best of him; he would make a last-second decision to murder him.

Though Bella always tempted his control unintentionally and he always had to hunt after being near her, he simply wasn't that thirsty. He ran deep into the forest to sit on a moss-covered tree trunk. He didn't need to sit down to rest but to act like a human was to keep every bit of the human he used to be alive.

It was a good sign. He was improving rapidly. He spent all night with her and thwarted every vision of drinking her dry. A very good sign indeed considering that two months ago when he would see her blush he would have attacked immediately without further thought. It went to prove what he already knew. He loved her. He could kiss her and be able to stop himself. He entertained the thought of being able to do more...

It was better if he could cage the monster part of himself. It meant that Bella would be safe with him. It meant that she could go to college as a human.

He knew that Bella would be open to the idea with him. He had no qualms about letting Carlisle change her. In fact, he could hardly wait for her to be a vampire, it would be easy for them then. He was also physically two years older than her (a problem that arose with her as Edward was the same age, and she didn't want to grow older than him). She had more time to wait if she wished - if she insisted being younger. As if 142 years weren't a sufficient amount of difference.

Whatever she chose he would support her. He would give her anything that she wanted. She was mature, she could make her own decisions, even if they didn't appear to be good at first glance.

For a few minutes he summoned up the memory of their first night together. He imagined her there with him then, her warmth, her sweet scent that lingered on his clothes. It nearly hurt not to be with her, as though a piece of him was off somewhere. It wouldn't have hurt so much if he knew that he could keep her, that their time wouldn't be their last; resting on what Edward did to destroy them.

Whatever Edward decided to do he would settle the fact with him that Bella wasn't to blame. He would be certain that she would keep their family, Carlisle, Esme, Alice, and Emmett. She wouldn't lose.

Ten miles away he heard a deer munching on shrubs. It wasn't a carnivore and he wasn't thirsty, but he had to rid of Bella's scent. He couldn't deny the burning in his throat simply because it wasn't the worst he ever felt. It was for Bella.

Anyways, he needed to time to think of a plan where his dear brother wouldn't tear him to pieces. But he was right to begin with. She was worth it. For then, she was his secret in death.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Time

The sheets and blankets were in the washer and she had scrubbed herself clean. Her skin was red and raw, and it was the best she could do. She didn't have super-senses but where she couldn't be positive that Jasper's scent was off of her Alice would.

She always knew what to expect from Alice. She was a beautiful pixie-like girl that remained optimistic about everything. This was the one time that she didn't know what to expect from her. How would she feel about Bella ditching one brother for another? She blanched in having that thought.

Bella was impatient for her old rusted truck to start. It sputtered to life as she silently begged, _please don't die. Please..._ As the engine kicked to life she checked the faintly green glowing clock on the dashboard. She had ten minutes until Edward came home. Then she remembered that the clock was wrong. The buttons had been hard to push and in her aggravation she left it at six minutes ahead. She pressed on the gas pedal willing herself calm. It was not the day for a wreck.

As usual the ride to the Cullen home seemed to be increasingly long. Even when she made it to the dirt path leading off the main road it was bumpy and time-consuming. She leaned over the wheel to make out the path trying to discern it from the invasion of greenery.

She'd never been happier when she reached the huge ancient house with the wrap-around porch than she was then, but she was not only out of time, she was late. Edward would be there. He would pull her door open and her out at anytime. She wasn't ready, she wasn't ready to face him.

Scared and shaking she rested her head on the wheel and prayed for time. It didn't have to be much, a few minutes would have been nice. Anything...

Creaking loudly her door opened and she waited for Edward's voice. It didn't come. She cracked an eye and saw petite little Alice there, her arms crossed over her chest, a brow raised, her foot tapping. Despite the obvious agitation, Bella was glad that she was there.

A few months ago, when Bella raced to save Edward's life in Italy, Alice had met Jacob, her the werewolf best friend. It was ironic, that the two enemies would imprint. They were not often apart. She didn't know if they _could_ be apart for too long, and so she was pleasantly surprised to see her there.

"You look horrible, Bella."

She sighed. "I know. Tell me, Alice, can you see how Edward is going to react?"

"I can't see that until someone decides to tell him. But speaking as his sister, I know he won't take it well."

That was what she was afraid of. Wasn't it bad enough that she was a danger magnet, constantly putting others in peril? Did she have to cause pain willingly? She was a terrible person. A despicable excuse for a girlfriend. Edward deserved better, but she always knew that.

Alice seized her hand tugging her out of the truck. Bella couldn't bring herself to look her in the eyes. She was deeply and utterly ashamed and yet she couldn't stop herself. She didn't want to. Yes, she was a terrible person. A guilty one.

"Oh, Bella, don't you see?" she took her chin forcing her to look straight at her. "You know what Edward wants more than anything?"

What could he ever want? He had everything. "No..."

"For you to be happy. He loves you, and Jasper too. He'll learn to be okay with it."

"Are you okay with it?"

"We _all_ love you Bella."

"Rosalie," she asked of their other sister, Emmett's extraordinarily beautiful and vain wife who hated her with a strong passion.

"Putting her aside, we all do. I knew this was going to happen. I saw it on your first day at school. Bella, I understand how you wanted to make Edward happy. You love him but you love Jasper more and it's time for you two to stop acting as if you don't."

"I do love Edward," she exhaled. It sounded like a gust of air rather than a statement.

"I know you do." She reached up on her tip-toes and hugged her around the neck and kissed her cheek quickly before walking with her to the door. "He'll be home soon. Stop looking like you are being tortured. Look happy."

Bella pulled the corner of her lips up into a smile but it was strained and obvious.

"_Try_. Think of something happy."

Happy... Waking up to Jasper, falling asleep with him, him in her bed. She grinned.

"That's good. I suppose Jasper works long distance." She winked and skipped ahead of her.

Alice disappeared into the house before Bella made it to the porch steps. She turned as a black Mercedes pulled up, the engine purring to silence. Edward stepped out and she took a total of one shaky breath when he lifted her in his arms.

It was the same as it always was when he came home from his trips. He had the elated relief, the same icy hold and the bright gold of his eyes. He kissed her forehead, her nose and then what she feared most. Her lips.

Her heart could've stopped in her chest, he could've given into his monstrous desire and killed her there and she wouldn't have cared. She would have been grateful. The guilt was crushing her and it was terrible that she remained breathing, to kiss him like nothing had changed.

The truth was that nothing had changed, it was singularly the acceptance of the situation, of her love for someone else. Nothing had really changed.

He must have felt her reluctance. It was obvious as she wasn't kissing him back, she hung there like a rag doll, her feet barely sweeping the overgrown grass. He pulled his face back to peer into hers. It was written clearly on him, he was worried, fearful.

"What's wrong, Bella? What happened?" he set her gently down but kept his hands on her waist.

_Believe the lie._ "Nothing."

He grazed her cheeks and showed her his fingers where her tears sparkled by the sun. He swiped the rest of her flowing tears away and that gave her the time (no matter how short) to think of why she was crying. The lie of it.

"You're not a good actress. Tell me, what happened?"

"She hurt her leg."

Bella looked back at Emmett leaning on the railing looking like it would fail under his weight. He was lying to Edward?

"She fell down her steps at home." He grinned happily. "Carlisle fixed her right up. She's just upset that I've been teasing her about it but can you blame me? She's the funniest walking disaster." He winked.

Edward sighed. "you must be more careful, Bella!"

She didn't know whether to be grateful towards Emmett or angry at the stupid story. She never cried when he teased her! She decided she would be grateful and angry later. Emmett wasn't overall a good liar. He found it much simpler to joke his way out of something than to lie.

"I know," she said. "It was an accident."

Edward smiled and kissed her lips again and that time she reacted appropriately, pressing herself into him but it did not cease the sickening storm inside of her. It was too late anyhow, he knew something was wrong and that it had nothing to do with her leg.

"Have you ate?"

"No."

"We'll get you settled and go out to eat later."

"Settled?"

"Alice didn't tell you? You're staying with us for tonight. Charlie is under the impression my absence has been prolonged."

"There's more to it, isn't there?" It couldn't have had anything to do with Jacob as he was too tired running his shifts that Sam ordered. There was no real danger, but there didn't have to be. There wasn't much trust between the vampire's and wolves. Once Sam accepted that the Cullen's last fight (a battle against Victoria and the newborns) was over she would see her best friend. Edward couldn't hold her back forever.

Then what was he hiding? What could be so terrible he didn't want to tell her?

"Alice went upstate and -"

She halted in horror. "No!"

He half-grinned in that adorable way finding a great deal of humor in her aversion to new clothes. "It won't kill you, Bella."

"That hasn't been proven."

"Take this up with her but I don't find it a bad trade. We'll have a night together without Charlie."

"Easy for you to say." She bit her tongue the moment she said it. It wasn't something she would normally blurt out and the disheartened expression that clouded him pained her. "What I meant is that you're not the one that has to try on new clothes like you're a live doll."

The clouds dissipated and replaced with the former humor. "It'll be okay. I'll tell her to go easy on you." He tugged her hand and she trailed behind him.

She realized that she was wrong before. It wasn't her acceptance of her love for Jasper that changed it was her acceptance that Jasper wanted her. She found herself for the first time lying to Edward and that was undeniably a huge deal.

On top of it all it was awful that the one thought she had as she smiled back at him was, _"and he thought __I couldn't act."_ She had to admit it was pleasing to know that even in the circumstances that they were in she had her sarcasm. It wasn't like she lost it when he left her those few months ago. It gave her hope.

***

It took three minutes for Jasper to hunt three bucks. It was unsatisfying, never able to fill him the way he wanted, and yet it was worth it. If it kept him in the least bit of control he would take it gladly. He'd need all the control he could hold.

He spent the rest of the day in the spot nearest to the highway where he stopped running on Bella's eighteenth birthday. He had plenty of fury that day that would have drove him across the country and across treacherous waters, but he stopped. He stopped to break down, literally collapsing on the moss-covered ground.

He thought about her smell once, what her delicious blood would have tasted like on his tongue. Mostly he thought about her, the way she smiled and laughed, the way her hair always fell across her red cheeks, the way her eyes down casted when she was embarrassed. He thought about how badly he wanted her, blood and all and how impossible it was. She wasn't his in any way.

That day four trees had suffered his temper, ripped from their roots and thrown aside. They formed an ideal pile for a large bonfire. He remembered staring at it. He thought that it would've been the perfect way to... Stop existing. If only someone would have done him the favor of tearing him apart.

He would get his wish once Edward found out about him and Bella, and it would be a shame. He no longer wanted to leave. He found someone to live for. Live for, not just exist has he had been doing, but to live for, to look forward to each day because he has someone to share it with.

He waited patiently for the darkness to rule over the sky and when it did he began to make his way back home. It would be peaceful and agonizing. Peaceful because Bella would be gone and agonizing that he couldn't have gone with her. He would at least be able to think of her, to relieve the time they shared at her house. He'd have to if he was going to get through the night knowing that Edward was there with her.

Jasper smelled a strong waft of wood and grass that was set apart from the forest he was in, it tasted sweeter. He slowed to a stop at the edge in front of his brother Emmett, leaning against a tree, his arms folded over his chest with a serious feel that was out-of-place for him. Jasper knew the worst. Alice told.

"She warned us," he said. "Bella cried when he kissed her."

It was a strange mix of pride and sadness he felt at his words. He didn't say anything as Emmett was radiating into big brother mode. Bella was as good as his little sister.

"Edward's going to kill you."

He nodded, his eyes drawn to the house standing dark in the night, only a couple of rooms glowing yellow like cat's eyes.

"She's staying the night. Alice has been playing dress up on the movable Barbie." He tried to bark his laughter but it was weak. There was little to joke about, even he recognized that. He respected it. It wasn't like they were going to fight vampires threatening her. The only threat was their family and that was too close to home for his comfort. It was too close for Jasper's too.

He thought over what he said, the first sentence. He instantly grasped that Bella staying the night was worse than her going home. Her with Edward, them alone in his bedroom with Jasper right there. He growled ripped through his chest, his throat, and snarled out of his mouth.

"Cool it, Jazz."

He focused himself. Calm, right. Easy? Wrong. He clamped his teeth together but it was all he could do by staying where he was and not going up there. Not taking her away.

"You really love her, don't you?"

"You'd thought I'd risk breaking up our family for nothing?"

"I don't want her hurt."

"I won't hurt her." That was a lie. He could hurt her, he showed that before. He was capable of killing her without a second thought. One mistake, one drop of blood, that was all it would take.

"I meant that until you find a way to tell him you'll have to be careful. Don't make it harder on her. Don't draw this out. We can't hide this from him for long."

"This will be over quickly, I promise." He felt a withholding and looked straight at him. "What is it?"

"Rose is shopping in Seattle. She's... Having difficulties with her thoughts."

He knew that Rosalie was only having a difficult time with her thoughts because she hated Bella. She despised her for wanting to be a vampire when it was all Rosalie wanted to be like her. It would have been a great pleasure to let it slip, why she hadn't anyway he didn't know. Likely to make it difficult for them in the long run.

"I have our things packed, we're going to leave now. I'm not used to hiding secrets, bro. Not from Edward of all people."

"I understand. You do what you have to."

"Let us know when it's safe to come back."

It would always be safe for them. Edward wouldn't attack anyone else but the guilty one and the one that was guilty was him. "The others?"

"Carlisle and Esme are taking an extended hunting trip up north. Alice is staying behind going over every fashion hit, their estimated dates, and planning her wardrobe for the next two months."

"Edward?"

He became uncomfortable. "He knows we're hiding something. Right now he's with Bella and too happy to care. Curiosity will get the best of him soon."

"I'm sorry about this, Em." He was. It wasn't the first time he uprooted his family, there were several times he slipped in his diet, and he wasn't the only one, Emmett lost his control once. This though... This had nothing to do with accidents.

He shrugged. "Just don't let Bella think it's her fault."

"I won't." It wasn't her fault. It was him. He was the weak one, the weak when it came to his vegetarian lifestyle and weak when it came to Bella and only one he could have any remorse for.

Emmett cuffed him on the shoulder. "Take care of her," he said and bounded past the house to his overly large jeep that waited for him.

Like he had done since Bella was brought into his life he sat at the base of a tree, out of range from Edward's mind-reading but close enough to watch the windows for her. Close enough to listen to the wet thudding of her heartbeat. He counted them and closed his eyes.

He cursed the day Edward Cullen met Bella Swan, and he cursed his lack of control. He ached in a way he never had. He longed for the human girl and placate himself with the knowledge that she longed for him too. He cloaked himself in his imaginings of what it was like to hold her, to kiss her, to have her for that one precious night.

Against his better judgment he opened his eyes, he set them on the second-story window that was Edward's. There in the low light were two figures, intertwined, lips touching. He saw every movement, the way Edward's hands slid over Bella's hips, how he pressed himself against her. He could hear his whispers in her ear, hear her soft laughter.

He trembled as the agony ripped through him with such force that he curled onto the ground. He would allow himself to wallow in the sorrow that he deserved and he would allow himself to feel the anger that it was him on her and not him. It should have been him.

A small hand laid on his arm, the citrus washing over him. He felt the comfort and calm that Alice emitted but he didn't want it. He shoved her hand off and instead of leaving she sat against the next tree. He continued to feel her optimism but he didn't take his eyes off the window. He delved into his pain and Alice might as well have gone.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Speeding Away

It took Jasper eight hours to move. Alice had long gone and he was left staring into that window. He hadn't blinked or breathed. He just lied there. Staring.

The lights dimmed and Bella and Edward eventually left his line of sight but he could imagine them in bed together, him watching her sleep. He was listening the way he was. It was torture, worse than the thousands of vampires he fought in battles, worse than his scars. It was torture and yet he couldn't leave. He felt that it was justified and that it was one in the many payments he would make. All because he fell in love with the wrong girl.

There was no doubt in his mind that she was the right girl (for him) but that didn't negate that she was wrong in every other way. She was human. She was his brother's. They had no right to love each other and they did and they couldn't stop. Too late. It was too late the moment they laid eyes on the other.

Eight pitiful hours... It was six in the morning, he saw the sun shining down on him, making him glitter. It was going to be a rare sunny day. Edward would have to stay inside and Bella would likely stay with him.

That was all he could take. He pushed himself off the ground but the new sound made him froze.

"Jasper," Bella called out in the dead of her sleep.

_No_, he thought. Worry and elation swept through him. He wondered if he should have gone inside. Instead he stole a few minutes to hear what happened next.

Bella woke, the springs of the bed creaking. There was a pause that she broke. "Edward, what's the matter?"

"You said Jasper's name."

"Oh..."

Was that the best she could do? She had done so well yesterday, better than anyone could've expected from her. He contemplated whether he should walk in, make it known, get it over with. Then she spoke again.

"I was dreaming about newborns... That story he told me about his life? I was dreaming about that."

"A nightmare," he corrected gently.

"Yes."

Jasper could hear her gulp and he thanked the skies above that she was able to lie efficiently under pressure. He cleared his mind and went into the garage where five of their vehicles were parked, including his bike.

He thought about his silver motorcycle, lustrous and expeditious. It was originally supposed to be Bella's but when Edward found that she would only travel with Jacob that way he gave it to Jasper. He wondered -

_Robert Allen, Frederick Tracy Dent, Alfred W. Ellet, John McNeil, Richard Delafield,_ he thought listing off the Union generals of the Civil War. It was too obvious as it was what he did every time he hid something from Edward but it was only meant to divert him. He turned his mind over to something else, flitting from where he would go on his bike to how long he would be gone.

"What would you like to eat, Bella? We could go out or I could bring it back to you?"

"I'd like to take a shower..."

"Anything you're hungry for?"

"That Italian place."

Jasper smiled. She picked the furthest restaurant from them that was not unreasonable.

"Okay, I'll be back soon."

Jasper bent and unnecessarily checked the tires, the engine. He waited as he had been waiting since he stepped into -

_John W. Phelps, William A. Pile, Elliot Warren Rice, James Nagle, Isaac Stevens..._

Edward came in. He scrutinized Jasper as if inspecting him for lies, as if the answer to all the peculiar thoughts would be there on his face. Before he got in his car he said, "we'll talk later, Jazz."

_We will_, he thought as Edward pulled out of the drive. He waited thirty-two seconds before he raced out of the garage and into the house, up the stairs, and right into Edward's room. There wasn't a second thought in his decision. There was a steel line drawing them together.

On the bed dressed in faded jeans and a baggy blue shirt was Bella, curled up over the covers. She looked undeniably... Sexy. It was quickly gone from his mind though when he was punched by her despair. It was nearly crippling.

Through her flowing tears she looked to him. "I'm sorry," she cried.

He left human pace behind and went to her instantly, sitting by her side. He took her hand and let her feel the force of his silent lullaby. "What's wrong, darling?" He had to ask, but deep down, he feared her answer.

She sniffed. "I... Edward... I didn't want to... What if we hurt him?"

He squeezed her hand a minuscule amount careful to not break her. Constantly careful. "He'll get through it. He'll be fine." He knew that to be certain. Edward would accept it eventually as long as Bella was happy. That was all that mattered to both of them. It didn't mean it was going to be simple, that he wouldn't fight...

"He's done so much for me."

He held his rumbling growl inside. If he resented himself for anything it was Edward saving her life when he wasn't able. He saved her life from _him_ no less. Never would he forgive himself for that day... He should've controlled himself, shouldn't have been weak, should've talked to Bella before him. He should have done a lot of things in his life. It could've been him that went out to get her breakfast, be his bed that she was lying in, and he would be sure that she wasn't shedding any tears. She might not have been lying in at all, she may have been like him already...

"Bella, darling, listen to me. Listen well, okay? Being with him because you feel that you owe him will do more harm to him. It's not fair to either of you. I understand that I'm not good for you. I'm the most dangerous for you to be with. I could kill you. I would be all too easy for me."

She shook from new sobs. "You don't want me?"

He was taken so off guard by her question that he laughed. It wasn't funny, it was actually quite sad. He held Edward accountable for leaving her all those months ago - the months that he buried himself in college courses so he wouldn't get on a plane and go to her. He came so close so many times. He regretted that decision too, especially when their break-up was his fault. He as good as hurt her himself and he wanted to take it away, to take her from it.

"I will _never_ leave you," he vowed. "You will _never _lose me."

She calmed but doubt remained and for added measure he pressed a kiss to her forehead. She smiled. "I didn't want to hurt you -"

"You do what you have to. Play it out."

She nodded wiping her tears away, they had splattered across her cheeks and onto the pillow. She sniffed but the smile stayed.

How he wished to have the whole day with her. He thought about his bike... "Lets go for a ride."

"Where?"

"Anywhere. I just want time with you before he returns."

"We'll be back in time?"

"Yes." He wasn't confident but he wasn't going to tell her that. He would try to be back in time but that didn't mean much, not when he dreadfully wanted her to himself. He couldn't wait for the next time Edward left on his hunting trip.

Eagerly she rolled off the bed and he grinned satisfied. He swooped her up and carried her down to the garage. She gasped at the quickness as he stopped next to his bike and set her slowly to the floor. He took the jacket he used on the days he went out into the sunlight along with the black gloves and hat. There was just enough sun that would - should have kept him indoors but he wore a long sleeved shirt popping the collars over his neck and he pulled on the hat to give him shade on his face. He pulled on the gloves and gave the jacket to Bella.

She looked at it curiously. "Wind-burn," he answered to her silent question and climbed on the bike.

She tugged the jacket on and slid in behind him wrapping him in her warmth. He kicked and sped out of there and was not persuaded to ever return.

***

Bella cried over the betrayal she felt when she touched and kissed Edward, and it was with every fiber of her being that she didn't break down. She had to remain strong, for Jasper, for Edward. If they only had time maybe their plan - whatever it would be - would make up for what they were doing. Maybe it would take Edward less time to heal. If he didn't perhaps he would understand that his pain was because of their love for him, that they meant well.

It was wrong... Love should never cause such pain.

Edward's touch, grazes, and kisses, everything that made her scream with guilt on the inside disappeared with Jasper. She saw the jealousy spark in his eyes and she could easily fathom the hurt he was going through because she going through it too, but together they were whole, they would forget for a while the parts they would have to play when they went back.

She laid her head on his back, locking her arms securely around his waist. She felt the smoothness of the ride, how it curved to the road perfectly. She laughed, letting it ring out into the air. She felt him shake with laughter too, hearing the peeling low bass of his chords.

The Cullen home was far behind them, a thin strip of road flying beneath them with a blur of green and brown flying past them. Then suddenly he turned into the forest, the terrain jerking them but she held tight and managed not to be bucked off her seat. It also might've had to do with Jasper keeping one arm over hers. The trees were coming at them fast, but he missed every single one, and stopped when they were miles in.

The silence pressed in on them after the roaring and loud way they had intruded in on the forest. Jasper rubbed her hand.

"Bella? Darling?"

She sucked in a breath that she'd been holding. "Why?"

"I didn't want our time to consist of just driving on my motorcycle." He unhooked her arms and slipped effortlessly off the vehicle and lifted her up and down to the ground. "I didn't mean to frighten you."

She nodded. She knew that. There was nothing to say that he didn't know so she stood on her toes to reach his lips and he still had to bend down. Every kiss sent fireworks through her, an electrical charge through her veins. Nothing could've been better. There was nothing in the world that compared or even came close to him. Time was irrelevant, it didn't exist while she was in his arms. Nothing existed.

Minutes, hours, or days? She had no idea, but when they broke apart there was ache in the air. How long had they been gone? Was Edward home? She looked at her watch and fear crept over her.

"We're late."

"You wanted fresh air is all," he said giving her the lie that would be their way out of any and all questions that Edward would have.

"Fresh air," she agreed sucking in a lungful of it, tasting the greenery of the trees, the ions.

He touched her cheek, kissed her forehead, his face steely and ready. He got on the bike turning to help her on, and they drove back home, to his brother, to her boyfriend, to the inquiries they would face.

Like sand through her fingers, she could feel the time they were losing. They weren't ready. She felt that they weren't no where close to the verge of telling Edward.

Their lies were just beginning…


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Running

Jasper shouldn't have kissed her. Too soon did they have to go home and he felt that their betrayal was scrawled out on his lips, the lips that tingled warmly from Bella's. His mind drifted to how she felt and smelled and her arms around his waist then wasn't helping.

He worried that he would mentally slip-up and Edward would know. His worry and hers spiked the wind that blew against them, the atmosphere dangerously charged. It wasn't the same current as when they kissed, it was more precarious.

He stopped a half mile from the house and loosened his rigid form and Bella's grip. He moved off the bike and held out his hand to her to help her down. When their skin touched he abruptly cleaned his mind. He couldn't even look at her and so once she was safely (as safe as she could be) on the ground he dropped her hand. He felt a pang of sadness from her but with great difficulty he ignored it. He couldn't comfort her, not the way he wanted.

Ever slowly, slower than humans pace, they walked up to the house. It was like marching to their deaths, not knowing how they would die for their crimes. Of course Bella had little to worry about, Edward would never kill her. Ever so slowly...

He opened the door and let her walk in first. As expected there was Edward waiting for them in the center of the living room, arms crossed over his chest, his expression severing, hostility so powerful he knew Bella could feel it.

She froze, her eyes observing his. Jasper stood three feet behind her taking the same stance as his brother.

"There's food waiting for you in the kitchen," he said kindly not taking his steely gaze off of him.

"Edward, he just took me out for a ride, you know, for fresh air."

"We'll talk about it later, Bella. Go eat."

She hesitated and Jasper held back from assuring her it would be okay. He fought back the urge to touch her and he fought again to keep himself from watching her leave the kitchen. He felt a good sense of pride that she didn't look at him either. It was difficult, more difficult than resisting blood. He wiped out so many imaginings that it was too quick of a flicker for even Edward to see.

Edward stayed where he was, not moving a centimeter as he read the lines in his face. "What is everyone hiding from me? Does it have anything to do with your stupid actions today?"

"Yes, and I can't tell you," he answered shortly.

Glancing at the door to the kitchen he said, "if it has to do with Bella it's my business."

"She wants to wait to tell you, respect that."

His eyes tightened his hands balling into fists. "Why were you out with her?"

"Bella is part of this family. I want to know my family. I was spending some time with her is all. I know she likes motorcycles."

He growled a spark of anger stabbing him. "You shouldn't be alone with her."

"I was in control of myself -"

"What if she had cut herself again?" Jasper flinched at the uncontrollable memory of Bella's blood, the glass, the presents, and Edward's tone softened. "You can't be alone with her. Thank you for wanting to know her better, but keep your distance."

He swallowed his snarl, squashed his erratic thoughts that bubbled too close to the surface. He nodded. "When she's changed then?"

"Jazz -"

"I know," he said before Edward could tell him the horrifying words that he didn't want Bella to be with them as a vampire. Edward would rather watch her die than give in to what they all wanted. "It won't happen again."

There was three seconds that Edward assessed him. When it was clear he wasn't going to reveal anything through his mind he went to the kitchen to be with Bella.

Jasper went over the Civil War generals as he ran out and far away from the house. He needed to think, to relive, to safely hear the conversation that Edward was having with his Bella.

His Bella, always, forever.

***

It was quite impractical for her to be pressing her ear against the door. Even if she had stayed in the same room she didn't have the hope of hearing. She remembered the conversations that Jasper and Alice would have, they were fast and sounded like humming. Edward and Jasper were likely talking lower than that, being the most discreet because they both would know that she would be trying to listen.

Her stomach ached for the pancakes that waited for her on the table along with a glass of milk. She should have given up her inane quest to eavesdrop on vampires and go eat like Edward said. She didn't.

Once more she thanked the heavens that he couldn't read her thoughts. She had it easier than all of them with their despicable charade. If she wasn't such a freak of a human she didn't know if she could keep her thoughts to herself, even as she was trying to hear what was being said she was going over the kiss she shared with Jasper, the way she formed herself to him on the bike, and how close she came to refusing to leave. It was harder than she could've imagined to walk by without touching his arm much less looking to him.

She should've refused to leave. What would they do? Physically remove her? Yes, that was a good possibility.

Suddenly there was chuckle and she shot back from the door and fell on her back her tailbone bruising. She didn't have the time to sit up when Edward walked in his brows raised in amusement at her.

"Your food will get cold."

"Yeah," she muttered picking herself off the floor pretending not to see Edward's helping hand. She sat herself down in the chair and began stabbing at the pancakes. She kept her face low, her hair a curtain of closure over her visage. He was right, her breakfast was cold.

He settled in across from her. He was quiet for a moment that stretched on for eternity. "Did you have fun," he finally asked.

"Yeah, I did. Jasper's great." She flinched at the last sentence.

"Hmmm," he responded.

"We just went for a ride."

"Bella," he sighed, "you didn't just go for a ride."

She tensed.

"You were in a lot of danger, do you understand that?"

She could almost laugh in relief. He didn't know. Of course he didn't, he was too calm for that, but even as she looked up she saw that edge he was teetering on. He was forcing himself not to show how angry he was at her. She grimaced from him.

"Bella? Do you understand how much danger you were in?"

"I'm okay."

"What if something happened? What if you fell and scraped your knee?"

"I'm not a child, Edward."

"You may not be a child but you are perilously inept."

She gritted her teeth, angry tears flooding her vision.

"Are you crying?"

She slammed her fork down and stood, but she kept her face to the floor. "Stop this, Edward. Stop treating me as though I can't take care of myself. I was perfectly capable of it in Phoenix -"

"Didn't we have the discussion about your number being up?"

"It was just a drive, and you know what," she asked staring at him straight on, his shocked face swimming. "I'm going to La Push. I want to visit Jacob and I will."

He stood up so quick she blinked, and the tears leaked over. Her damn tear ducts.

"No," he hissed, "you won't."

The anger built. "You're not my father!"

Stunned into silence he leaned over the table to her but she jerked out of his reach. She walked as fast as she could out of the kitchen. She didn't trust herself to run, and if he wanted to catch her he would. But he didn't. He didn't follow her.

Once outside in the blinding sun she broke into a run. Of all days for it to be sunny it was the day she wanted it least. She wished for the rain, a storm, she wanted the weather to recuperate her wild emotions.

On her way into the forest she tripped, ripping the knee in her jeans but she didn't see blood only dirt and so she picked herself up and continued. As soon as she was in the shadows of the woods there were cold arms that encased her, held her against a stone body, her hair being smoothed. The vampire picked her up holding her closer.

"Shhh," Jasper cooed in her ear. "Shhh, it's alright, darling."

"I'm not a child," she blubbered.

"I know."

"I'm so angry, Jasper. Make it go away, please."

He lowered them on the forest floor, the fury that was poison in her veins ebbed away. She was gasping for breath, but she was breathing which she had hardly been doing before she ran.

"You're not a child, Bella. Far from it."

She choked on a hysterical laugh. "You're a hundred-forty-two years old. How can you _not_ think I'm a child."

"Physically you are quite young. Mentally you are much older than even I am."

"I don't want to go back."

"Then don't," he said simply.

How easy that would be, to stay there with him. She wanted it badly and yet she couldn't allow herself to stay. They had a part to play.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

A Favor

A week of stealing glances, of cleaning his mind, of practically living in the forest. It was excruciating for every moment he was alone for her face would be there behind his lids. He relished it as the best source of liberation.

He was there in the shadows of the night watching her. Though he couldn't project his emotions to her over their distance he hoped that her awareness of him was comforting.

She laid near the stream on a blanket, a pile of college brochures sprawled out in front of her. She lazily flipped through them taking less interest in every one that she picked up. Frequently her beautiful eyes would flicker to the forest, never landing on him but she was looking. That warmed him.

Clad in her ratty jeans and green shirt that was a size too big she crossed her ankles, resting her head on her palm. Her hair spilled over her shoulders brushing the ground. Jasper observed every facet of her knowing that the threatening clouds were about to take her away from him. She would be gone before the rain, Alice or Edward would make her go inside.

He imagined himself lying there with her. He would feel the silkiness of her tresses, her translucent skin, he would carefully kiss her neck. He may have pulled her over him and left the brochures to be forgotten as they enjoyed each other. Only the rain and her dislike for it would stop him.

Hearing an approach he immediately smelled books and soap. Carlisle.

"Hello," he greeted quietly as he went over her tennis shoes. There was a hole in the sole of her heel. He didn't agree with Alice's torture methods but Bella did need a pair of new shoes. He would have to make a mental note to buy her a replica. He wouldn't force her into anything posh, that wasn't her.

Carlisle sat beside him looking upon him with his air of fatherly duty. It was only right as Carlisle was the father he didn't have, nor was he used to having. "Lying is never a good idea son," he said just as softly, no one had the hope of hearing.

"We're not ready. We haven't decided how to tell him."

"The longer time passes the more it will hurt."

Irritated he turned to him. "What would you say?"

He became silent for a long while, a crack of thunder sounding. He saw Edward exiting the house to fetch her.

"I think you're holding back because you're troubled."

"I made my peace with the chance that Edward may kill me."

"I do not think that's what you fear..."

Bella went in the house not a second too late, the downpour began but he hardly felt it. "What is it then?"

"You - and Bella too - are greatly worried that you won't receive your brother's forgiveness."

As Carlisle had said it Jasper recognized it to be true. It rung clear in him but he made no outward notice of it. He cupped his hands gathering the rain and parted his fingers slowly to let it seep through the cracks.

He looked to him. "I love her, Carlisle. Truly I do."

"I believe you."

"Give us a little longer... For Bella's sake if anything."

"This is your battle but fight quickly and fight fair."

"Thank you."

"Charlie is working late so Bella will be staying here tonight. Edward and I will hunt." Carlisle stared at him meaningfully. "Don't let your scents mingle, least of all in Edward's bedroom."

The message was clear. Jasper wasn't to go into Edward's room but to get his time with her he could meet her elsewhere. It was obvious but perhaps there was something in his face that he didn't realize that caused Carlisle to say it. "Certainly."

He squeezed his shoulder and left him there. alone. He conciliated himself by silently vowing that the wouldn't be alone for long. Soon him and Bella would be together. Patience was virtue, right?

***

She laid on the couch her head in Edward's lap. With one hand he combed his fingers through her hair and with the other he read a brochure on Dartmouth. She closed her eyes begging herself not to lose to her anxiety. She couldn't afford to lose her cool again, not when her and Edward had an unspoken agreement not to discuss what happened.

He plainly wanted to, she would watch the contemplated and borderline painful look he would give. He said sorry and she stopped him and the guilt that flared at his apology, he had no idea she ran into Jasper's arms. That had been that, they didn't talk about it.

However, his insisting on colleges was beginning to wear. Bella sighed in warning but was paid no mind.

"Dartmouth is by far the best one."

"That has nothing to do with the large sum of cash you bribed to get me in there, does it?"

"Bribe is a bad word, persuasive would be more appropriate, and of course it has nothing to do with that. If you found another you liked then you can go there."

"I don't want to go to college."

"This is a human experience -"

"That I don't care about experiencing -"

"You will."

"You all went to college hundreds of times," she pointed out.

"Carlisle is the only one that can be said to have gone to college hundreds of times and I'm not certain that's the correct number. Listen Bella, this is something you should do. You may like it."

"You're just holding off the inevitable."

"It's not inevitable," he said cuttingly.

Like a punch in the gut she realized that perhaps he didn't love her, not nearly enough. If he truly loved her he would want to keep her, and he apparently didn't. He didn't care about her beliefs, what she wanted, he was determined to keep her a fragile human.

She could see their life, her getting older and him seventeen forever. She wouldn't date, she wouldn't marry, and she would never see Jacob Black again. Her life was planned out by someone who didn't love her like she needed to be loved. She was being dictated like a child.

Like a child. She wasn't a child. She didn't want that life. She would rather have no life at all.

Carlisle came in giving her a kind smile she felt she didn't deserve. No matter how unhappy she was she didn't want to hurt Edward. Edward was doing what he thought was right, and he was stubborn. He would never want to make her miserable.

She sat up and he kissed her lips. He left with his father promising to be back in the morning, that he would be there before she woke. She smiled and pretended.

She curled herself into the couch, her arms wrapped around her legs. She thought of what she wanted. More than anything the world could have offered she wanted Jasper. She could see her life with him as clearly as she had seen her life with Edward.

With Jasper she could see herself married, a vampire, by his side as an equal. They would live forever with each other and with their family. It would be wonderful, sweet. It was so tantalizing that she could almost taste it.

Even as a vampire she could see Jacob. Jasper wouldn't approve but he would never stop her. Whatever made her happy. He trusted her choices.

A light breeze brushed past her as he walked in from the pouring rain. He was soaked naturally, his clothes hugging him. She could see through his white shirt, the smoothness of his chest, his stomach, the muscles in his arms. When she became aware that she was staring quite inappropriately at him she averted her gaze, red staining her cheeks.

He knelt beside the couch and took her chin between his fingertips turning her face to his. He was grinning ear to ear.

"Bella, if I could blush I would do so quite often in your presence."

She smiled, that one being the singular authentic smile she gave the whole day. She licked her lips in a nervous gesture - watchful that she didn't bite her lip. It caught Jasper's attention and hastily kissed her. He held his lips there, becoming increasingly gentle.

"I can't control myself around you, Bella."

"I'm not worried about that."

"You should be," he touched her mouth, "you'll smell like me now... I promised Carlisle..."

"It doesn't matter."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because the smell will be gone by the time Edward gets back. Jasper, I want to ask you for a favor. I want to go to La Push. Will you take me?"

He stiffened, his hand a claw on the armrest. "To see the _dog_?"

"I know you don't support this, but he's my friend. I want to see him." There was a desperate edge in her tone and she knew that he was in the torrent of it all. It wasn't reasonable but she had no power over it, and she had to go. Jacob was her best friend. She wasn't ending that because she was a human with an over-protective vampire boyfriend.

To her surprise he nodded. Though she had already settled that he would never keep her from the thing she wanted she didn't expect it would be so easy. No argument, nothing.

"Okay, I'll take you, but keep your cell on you and call me when you need me."

"I will," she said with bliss. She threw her arms over his neck hugging him tightly. "Thank you, Jasper."

He exhaled, "anything for you, Bella. I trust you and if you trust him then I will try too." He stood then and carried her to the garage.

Yet again on his bike they sped out and away. She rested her head against his shoulder blade and closed her eyes, feeling each movement he made, every tendon of his muscles.

Jasper slowed to a stop at the border and shut the engine off. She released him for him to move off the bike and she scooted forward. Jasper lifted her helmet off, her hair tumbling over her shoulders. He leaned in and gently kissed her.

"Be careful, Bella," he said.

"I will be," she promised.

He placed the helmet back on to her head and stepped away. She turned the key, jumped, revved, and accelerated, watching him vanish in her review mirror. She forced her eyes back on the road, it speeding beneath her, and she hoped with all of her might that Edward wouldn't cause a fight if he heard it in his mind, or noticed that Jasper's bike was missing.

Another weight of guilt settled. Edward was insistent that he was selfish, but it was her that was selfish. She was selfish for not being happy with him, but for wanting his brother. She was so selfish that she risked further discord in the Cullen family for talking her way into seeing their enemy, to be with one of those members that wasn't her boyfriend.

Vampires and werewolves weren't the monsters. She was. She was the worst monster there was. She knowingly hurt people. She couldn't stop either. She didn't even care what Edward thought or if he would get angry - which he surely would.

Like the monster inside of her the beast purred and she pushed the bike to seventy miles an hour. She wouldn't stop.

Jasper once told her he was undeniably a nightmare, a monster of the grisliest kind. How little did he know...

* * *

A/N: Please be aware that this story is about the secret Jasper and Bella are keeping and the difficulties of it. If you're wanting them to tell Edward and "get it over with" then you may want to stop reading this story, it isn't for you.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

A Hellish Angel

Bella was halfway to the door when Jacob came bounding out. His black hair was longer, nearly reaching his chin, his dark eyes looked heavy and tired, but his smile lit the gloom from his face and lit her gray clouds.

"Bells," he exclaimed as he swung her off her feet, but instantly let go stumbling back with his fingers a plug on his nose. "Ugh," he said disgustingly, but the corner of his mouth was turned up into a playful smirk.

She rolled her eyes. "Don't say it," she warned, knowing the words he had come too accustomed to when he was hunting vampires. That seemed so long ago... "Alice will pound you. She's here, right?"

He jerked his head to the old screen door that had a splay of duct tape over the holes it had formed over the years. "She said to expect you."

"Did she say anything else?" She felt her face burn with embarrassment. She knew Jacob had to know, Alice wouldn't keep anything from him.

His lips thinned into a severe frown and that answered everything. Disappointment, anger, worry.

"I guess I don't need to explain then."

He didn't respond, critically eying the motorcycle behind her. "Nice bike." He lips loosened from his frown. "Alice didn't say you stole it."

"I didn't steal it, Jasper let me borrow it as you very well know." She shook his finger at him like a parent would of a undisciplined brat.

Grinning he hugged her tightly, squeezing the air out of her. "I'm glad that you could escape."

"With Jasper's help," she wheezed out. "I couldn't have done it without him." She wanted to make it clear of his aid, as if it would win her points with the boy she considered to be a brother.

She owed Jasper a lot. He let her give up the time they could have had with each other so she could see her friend. She missed Jasper even then, an empty place while she was gone. It wouldn't be long, and it wouldn't be Edward's last hunting trip. He would have no choice to go and Bella needed to defy him. She needed to do what she would have done long ago if she had the guts.

He set her down again and shrugged. "You're here, it doesn't matter how."

She leaned onto his chest, his worn shirt doing little to diffuse his burning heat. She was beginning to sweat but she didn't move from him. She missed him more than she realized. It was like coming home.

How could she have let Edward keep her away for so long? Months, it had been months since she had seen her best friend. And why? Because her boyfriend had forbidden it like her father would have if she was younger.

That was that. She wouldn't let Edward dictate her anymore. This was her first step to running her own life, if her relationship with Jasper didn't count. She was her own person, and she was finally home.

***

Jasper couldn't cross that line... He would not start a war with Bella's friends... She was fine... Alice was with her... Bella needed to be with that mongrel... It was only fair... He kept telling himself those things because it was the only thing that kept him from going to the reservation.

It was a good thing Jasper and Bella weren't together. He had already kissed her once, what would they have done if he had more time? It was good of her to leave, but it didn't stop him aching for her.

The treaty no longer existed. There was no need for it since Jacob imprinted on Alice. His sister and that mutt... He shook his head as he tapped his fingers on his desk.

An hour of being home, re-organizing his books in his bedroom he received a call from the very vampire. According to her visions their dear brother would be home within thirty-two seconds. In preparation he left his desk to which he was doing nothing at but thinking of Bella, and waited against the banister, counting down.

...Four... Three... Two... One.

The door burst opened and Edward's face was livid. Alice forgot to tell Jasper that he would see the garage... Apparently Edward didn't trust him not to take Bella on his bike again.

In respect, he knew that his promises were empty. There were no promises he kept to him anymore. Much less breaking his word that he would always keep his distance from her, he took her has his own, his brother's girlfriend, his existence. He was careful as always to keep his mind clear of all of it.

"Where is your bike, Jasper," he asked scathingly.

There wasn't a good lie. He would know soon. "I lent it to Bella. Didn't think you'd mind, I'm not with her." He could hear the iciness in his own voice, taste the bitter aftertaste.

Edward took two steps forward, his breath breezing in a hiss between his clenched teeth. "I do mind. Where has she gone?"

"She'll be back." He blocked every thought of the place. He pictured his childhood home, blurred around the edges as it was with all of his human memories. There was the jagged wooden fence, the gate that had never been fixed, overgrown weeds and his mother in bent over the garden in hope.

A bolt of irritation and anger shot out. "Answer my question."

"It's none of your concern."

"Everything that involves her is my concern."

Jasper kept his emotions intact. It was for several reasons. For one, it infuriated Edward when Jasper tried to calm him. Secondly, he didn't want a brawl. Thirdly, he couldn't let him know his feelings for her and any rash action would prove just that..

"Bella is safe. Be patient, she'll come home. She has to. It's my bike she has." He tried to inject some joke but it was without warrant.

Edward's anger dissipated slightly, keeping his hold of the aura of a hellish angel. Without saying a word the said angel stormed past him to go out to the backyard.

Jasper lowered himself on the steps. He glared at the door.

_Come home soon, Bella._

***

"You better go home, Bella. Edward's already there," Alice said sternly clicking the remote to the television off. She twisted in Jacob's lap where they rested on the floor against the couch. He kissed her spiky hair.

Bella sunk lower in her seat. She shook her head, but before she could voice her worries Jacob spoke.

"Let her stay, Al. This is as good as her home as yours."

"That's not the point -"

"She doesn't have to go back to Edward if she doesn't want to."

"That's not the point, Jake! She has to face up to this. It's time!"

"Who says?"

Bella saw Alice's arms tightening around his neck, the barely audible hiss she let out. Suddenly the idea of a wrathful boyfriend wasn't such a bad option compared to any harm that Alice may inflict if she stayed. Not that Alice would, not to Jacob, her mate, her world. That didn't mean that she wouldn't make life difficult for both of them.

"I'll go," she sighed, defeated.

"He won't come down too hard on you. Jasper took most of the blame."

She groaned. That was the last thing she wanted: For Jasper to have taken the blame. It was all of her fault. She shouldn't have been such a coward. It was nearing nightfall, she had stayed for supper, had kept score for the pack's basketball game, and refused to think about what was waiting for her outside of the reservation.

"Are you sure," Jacob asked Alice.

"Positive. He won't find out today." Disappointment laced her voice.

He still looked unsure as Bella grabbed her jacket off the arm of the couch and left. It was pouring rain and so she double checked her helmet and carefully climbed onto Jasper's bike. She could say that the reason she drove so slow was precaution. The truth was that she didn't want to go back. She drove at a snails pace, grateful that no one else in the town of Forks had decided to drive. She couldn't express how grateful...

_Coward_, she thought to herself. She emptied her mind and let the wind and rain take it away. She felt the machine's movements, the smoothness of it. It was better than her old bike, rest its engine for Charlie destroyed it.

In too short of time, however, she was there at the end of the road that led to the Cullen household. And there was Edward, blocking her way, every inch of him soaked.

She contemplated running over him, but that would only damage the bike. She turned it off, the lovely rumbling beneath her ending to be replaced by the horrible growling that Edward was giving.

When it became clear that he wasn't going anywhere she relieved her helmet and tugged off her jacket, the leather holding desperately to her skin. She packed it into the side pocket and let the rain drench her. She crossed her arms and waited.

He strolled up and snatched the keys roughly out of her hand. She felt a spark of anger at that but said nothing. Hadn't she deserved it? She lied, ran, did everything that would seem as though she was purposefully trying to tick him off.

She gazed behind him to where the house was. She would've been able to have seen it if it weren't for all the trees that were blocking it. She thought of Jasper, a hallowing opening in her chest that she recognized as disappointment. She was hoping to see him once more that night.

"He'll fetch his bike. I'm taking you home."

Wiping the strands clinging to her cheeks she glowered, but she bit her tongue. She let him pull her up on his back and let him run through the woods.

Bella buried her face into the crook of his freezing neck, her legs wrapped securely around him. She shook, but not from the cold. She shook with anger, tears flooding her eyes. He was taking her away from Jasper and she clamped her jaw shut to keep from calling out his name. Not Edward's name. Jasper's.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Decisions

Bella woke, stretched, and ran her fingers through her hair meeting numerous knots. She untangled herself from her sheet ignoring her haystack of hair, and sat up.

It seemed like it would be a good morning. The sun was shining, but the atmosphere darkened and she groaned as she saw Edward sitting in the rocking chair. He was pushing himself back and forth. His stare was icy and calculating.

"Morning to you too," he said sadly at her choice of greeting.

"Edward," she croaked, and cleared her throat. "Edward," she tried again, much more clearly. "It's that I don't want to fight."

He stood. "You've never been upset at seeing me."

She looked to her hands twisting the sheet. "I don't want a fight," she reiterated lamely.

"You have no idea how angry I am right now, Bella."

"Jacob isn't the enemy anymore, Edward! Alice was there!"

"Alice can take care of herself!"

"I was safe! You know that!"

"That doesn't negate the fact that they're dangerous creatures!"

"Like you!" She moment it left her mouth she snapped her teeth together. She didn't mean to say it, but she did.

He looked pained for only half a second before he pulled on his facade. "You're right."

"Until I'm like you," she tried to amend, and to her surprise he nodded.

"You remember our deal. When you accept the ring and marry me is when I'll change you."

She was not about to say her first thought to that: _You're not the only one who will change me._ At one time it was his venom she wanted in her. She no longer cared about it, which unbeknown to him made their deal void.

He sat on the edge of her bed taking her hand. She thought of Jasper being there, how right it had felt. Edward was out of place, not just in her bed, but in her life.

"Bella, marry me. What are you waiting for?"

She didn't answer. She didn't have one. She couldn't say the truth, that she was waiting for his brother, for them to announce their secret.

Or could she? What would have been the harm in telling the truth at that point? Other than she wouldn't have time to warn Jasper, but perhaps Alice would do that. She would see her decision when she made it and immediately see Edward's.

No, she couldn't do that to him. To either of them. When Edward found out it would be her and Jasper telling him together. The family would likely be there too. Just in case...

"Bella?"

"I don't know," she whispered.

He sighed dropping her hand. "Tell me when you do know. You're the one who agreed, who doesn't want to get older."

She hid her guilt in her hands. That wasn't a way to start a marriage, out of a deal. She didn't want marriage and he did. She wanted to be a vampire and he didn't. They wanted different things. Compromise didn't work in the situation they were in. Wouldn't they be unhappy if they both gave into something they fought so hard against?

When she looked up he was gone, the white curtains waving in his passing. She knew then that they were out of time.

She reached for her cell phone unplugging the charger and pressed "1" for Jasper.

***

The woods held an aroma of scents. The trees, the green, the mud, the animals. The woods near his house was usually safe. Not many humans strayed across their path and so he didn't expect to smell her.

Why was that woman there? Was she lost? She didn't have a map on her. Why did she have to be there when he was hunting? Why didn't he let her see him, let her fear and confusion hurt him as he was killing her? Tasting her sweet blood as her body went limp into his arms. He drained her clean. There was nothing left.

She had dark strawberry hair curling down her back, she had creamy skin, and that was all he knew. Jasper couldn't even look at her face as he buried her beneath an old oak tree.

It didn't make anything better, it didn't make him a better person, but with his finger he carved the name "Marissa" into her gravestone - her tree. He didn't know if that was her name, but she - the innately innocent girl - deserved something, and so she was named after a promising, powerful, beautiful, and sweet vampire he was forced to destroy by his maker's orders.

Killing didn't bother him. He killed many times, and though he striven not to, he accepted who he was. A monster. But this murder was different. His love was human. He killed a human. It could've easily have been her. How many times had Bella walked through the woods alone? Even if that woman had her hair, he wouldn't have stopped and so he knew that he wouldn't have stopped if it was Bella. He would have killed her. It was pure luck that it wasn't her.

Did Marissa have someone who was at that moment worrying about them? Did that person have any inkling that she wasn't coming home?

The thought of the humans name was hard. It was like a human who names a cow, only to find that in the next meal they are being served steak. Naming something was never a good idea, it formed an attachment. That didn't matter so much. Marissa wasn't his pet, he named her after he killed her. It was hard only because it made his doing real, and he deserved the pain.

Her cell phone laid on the ground having fallen out of her pocket. It rung. He picked it up and let it ring on and on. When it ended it beeped to tell that there was a voice message. He pained himself further by clicking the button that would let him listen to it.

_"Jean, where are you? We're waiting. Brad and Amy are here waiting for you. Did you get what you needed? Baby?"_

Love, worry, anticipation. He didn't have to be near them to hear that in the man's voice. It leaked through the speaker, drenching him in the guilt.

So she did have someone, she had a lover, friends, family, a life. And because of him he took that from her, from the faceless people over the phone. He never felt such guilt over someone's death as he had then, but he knew, he heard. He could see the damage he had done to many lives. There wouldn't be a body for them to mourn over, for closure.

Under the name "Marissa" for which she would always be to him, he wrote her real name. No one would know. It was done.

He walked a snails pace back home. As he stepped from the woods the sun rose just enough to spill over him, making him sparkle. He caught his reflection in the stream. The good gold of his iris' darkened, they were wild.

A light vibration began on his thigh and he pulled out his phone. There on the screen was Bella's name.

He knew what he had to do...

* * *

A/N: The way Jasper acted in this chapter is unusual. I wanted to show that because of Bella his human side is coming out more. Because of her he cares more about humans.

_lanna-misssunshine_ asked a question about Jacob and Alice's relationship which I'd like to make clear here. The reason Jacob doesn't stay with the Cullen's is because he doesn't have to. Rosalie likes to play tricks on him and it's simplier that Alice stays with him for the time-being. I couldn't find a good place to go into further detail of their relationship, I tried not to make the story revolve around them.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

A True Death

_"We can't continue this."_

_"What? Jasper, what are you saying?"_

_"It's better this way. We can't be together. It was a mistake."_

_"No, no it wasn't! Jasper, what happened? Tell me!"  
_

_The dial tone answered her. He hung up._

The day was a haze. The moment she closed her phone she felt the numbness kick in, a involuntary reaction to the hurt she would feel.

She didn't taste the cereal she ate for breakfast, she didn't feel the jerk of her old truck as she started it. She drove on auto-pilot all the way to the reservation. She parked outside of Jacob's house and rested her head on the steering wheel. She gripped the lower half of it willing herself to stay together, to not fall apart. Not again. She wouldn't survive it a second time.

Right on time Alice slid into the passenger seat, she could see her bloodless skin out of the corner of her eye. Without a word she took Bella into her arms and she laid there. She wasn't crying, shivering or having any normal reaction. Was she so used to pain of rejection that she could no longer feel it?

"You knew," she said in statement to her friend.

"Yes."

"A warning would've been nice."

"I'm sorry. It wouldn't have changed anything."

"Why? Why did he do it?"

"He had a slip-up in his diet."

Suddenly she was cold, ice running from the top of her head to the soles of her feet. Alice stirred to move away, obviously thinking it was her cold skin that was doing it, but Bella held on tighter. "Who," she chattered.

"No one we know."

That calmed her, but only slightly. An innocent person died, had the life literally sucked out of them. Did they see what was coming? Did they suffer? Was their family aware that she was gone? A human. Someone like her.

"That's it," she asked in a hoarse whisper.

"Isn't that plenty?"

"No. She shook her head and pushed herself up. "No! It's not _plenty_. I forgive him. Mistakes happen."

Alice's eyes widened. "Our mistakes are fatal, Bella."

"He didn't mean to."

"He thinks he doesn't deserve you."

"That's not true!"

Her door opened and she heard Jacob's voice, "Bells..."

Violently she shook her head, not looking to Jacob. She knew she was going to hear a bad prediction and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She had to know and at the same time she didn't want to.

"Bella," Alice said strongly grabbing her head, holding her still. "Listen -"

"He's not coming back," she choked.

Sympathetically she whispered, "no, he's not."

A warm hand held her shoulder as the world - her world ripped away and bled in the form of tears. They held her as she shattered to a million pieces.

She didn't need Alice's visions to have seen where she was going to go. She would spend her life making it up to the man she betrayed. For all of eternity that was what she would do. It was what she owed.

Morbidly she thought that it was at least better than the last time someone left her. At least she had something to live for, something that would occupy her every moment. She would give up the life she wanted to live with the vampire that was with her from the beginning. She would give him everything and anything he wanted.

***

Jasper sat inside of the shades of the woods. Bella wasn't inside of the house to avoid and Edward was off with Emmett, his thoughts were safe, but he didn't move. He watched the stream flow over the multi-colored pebbles. It was trickling, a composition that was better than anything his brother could've dreamed up with.

He wasted his day there. He observed the clouds in the stream rolling past until they became dark and gloomy. He stayed out of reach of his reflection. He knew that crimson would streak the gold. He didn't care to see the blood of Marissa. A human like his - like Bella. Precious Bella.

Every time he closed his eyes he saw Bella. There was no life in her, or in him. He imagined the kill, not Marissa, but of the only woman that mattered to him. Too easy, too sweet, too close.

The night rolled on. It rained on him and yet he didn't budge. No one came to get him. Bella never called back but as far as he was knew his phone was possibly ruined from the light storm that he was encased in. All that mattered to him was that he was alone in the world once more. He cared for nothing else but that small fact. He was alone after he left his maker Maria, and he was alone then after leaving Bella. What was worse was that he couldn't even look forward to death like any other human would in his position.

Edward and Emmett came home. Emmett joined Rosalie in their bedroom while Edward sat at his piano. He played Bella's lullaby and Jasper felt inhumanely sick.

What was he doing? He had made the exact same choice that Edward made with her. He was leaving her but not truly letting her go. They had already decided to change her, he would just have Carlisle change her sooner, there would be no risks after that. They would all have what they wanted. He was being as foolish as his brother. She would forgive him, she would still love him.

It was true what they said... Love blinded you.

He stood up and was a second from going to her, to beg her to take him back. However, he heard her truck and he realized that the song was nothing compared to her footsteps and the heartbeat that brought the thoughts of how close he could've come to ending it. It didn't matter. He would tell Edward, he'd take the punishment, and he would be with her.

He had no idea that it would get worse... The long kiss she gave Edward and then the words that sent him spiraling down an abyss he couldn't return from.

"Edward, can I have that ring now?"

Down the abyss, to the lowest of the sea floors. He would never return from it. He was drowning and yet he would never die.

As Edward placed his mother's ring on her finger Alice bounced up to them. She was filled with bubbly happiness begging already to be coordinator. Edward was relieved and ecstatic. And Bella...

Without thinking of what he was doing Jasper walked towards the window. As though she was a Siren and he was a sick sailor, he kept walking, closer and closer. Her emotions grew stronger and he knew he wasn't mistaken. She wasn't happy. Her frightful feelings were a cloud over the otherwise joyful occasion. He was impressed, on the outside she hid it well.

For the first time in his death he felt dead. He was empty inside and none of his thoughts were coherent. He wasn't really thinking or even feeling, just observing. A walking corpse, that was all he was.

Instinctively Edward turned his head to him. Jasper could practically hear his brain working miles in seconds to figure him out. What was surprise became contemplative, then wary.

What he must've looked like, soaked to the bone, resembling death exactly. He tried to care. He couldn't. He wished he was six feet under like he was supposed to be. If he was then Bella could be happy. She was supposed to be.

She looked at him - saw through him was more fitting. He begged her silently to hate him. She felt an unbound sadness and it showed only in the tiniest of her smile, the glittering of her eyes. He couldn't leave. She needed him. He needed her.

Alice grinned and excused herself. She went outside and grabbed his arm, her nails digging in pulling him forcefully from the scene, but as his contact with Bella broke he realized that he was the scene.

He trailed numbly after her, into the woods, to his post. She was livid when she rounded on him and he wished for her wrath to be strong enough to destroy him.

"What do you think you're doing," she hissed.

He didn't respond.

"Do you want to give yourselves away?"

"No," he whispered.

"I don't know why. You made a stupid mistake by letting her go. You should have thought of telling him sooner!"

That snapped him back, and he was filled with rage. "What if it was her, Alice? It could've so easily have been Bella in the woods! She's ran in here before! What if it was a friend of hers?! She's better off with him, she's safe!"

She relented in pity. "If you don't stand up and take her back you'll both be miserable. I saw it, Jasper. She won't be happy, neither will you. I don't have to see further than that to know what will happen to you two. The whole family will be torn apart."

"The family will be torn apart if we stayed together."

"Yes, for a little while... You have a choice, a permanent change that will be the death of both of you, or a transient change that will leave you two happier than you've ever been."

"She wanted that ring!"

"You know how she feels! How difficult is it to go in there and end all of this -"

"As difficult as ending her!"

"What's keeping you?!"

"I know emotions, Alice! I know that she needs this!" He clutched his shirt, right over his still heart. It wasn't even beating and it was in pain. "This guilt has been hurting her and when she sees Edward's face when we tell him... It would forever be on her conscious. I can't allow that." He knew it would. There was no way out of feeling pain. They were trapped, they had always been trapped.

There was a sense of pride of being able to do what Edward could not. He let her make her own decisions. And that was her decision, what place of it was his to decide for her? He couldn't take her away... He could feel what she felt, the unhappiness but he knew that she was still human. She could change, she could be happy. Alice could be wrong, she had been before. He'd known her long enough for that.

"Jazz..."

He loosened his fist. He had to know. "She'll marry him?"

"Yes."

He fell to his knees in agony.

***

Jasper and Alice were gone from her sights but she didn't stop glaring at the woods where they disappeared to. How dare he! How dare he look at her like that! Like he was a man - a human man - at the stake! How dare she care...

"Bella," Edward said softly, barely a breath to break her trance.

She nodded, letting him know she was listening. In truth she barely was.

"Tell me what you're thinking, please."

"What's wrong with Jasper?" It was possibly the wrong thing to say. She couldn't even tell if that was something she would have asked before. It didn't have the same meaning it would have had. She wished she could care about that, but she really did want to know.

"I don't know. He's been muddy lately... I haven't heard any true thoughts of his in quite a while. I assumed you would know. You may have accepted my proposal, Bella, but I know that there is something you all are continuing keeping something from me. Can it be that bad?"

He had no idea. She looked to him, but saw Jasper in her mind. "I love you."

If she cut herself would he do her the favor of killing her?

* * *

A/N: I can hear the complaints already. The "why's." I hope this will make sense as it does to me.

I know not many of you will understand this. Jasper and Bella are, yes, going about this the wrong way. They fear the hurt they will cause other people and so they keep it a secret until they gather the courage, until they feel ready to face up to it. Jasper (though he obviously knows better) is respecting Bella's choice to make it up to Edward, because she feels guilty. Love and guilt can do a lot of things to a person. They don't always make sense on the surface, people go with their emotions a lot, they don't think things through. Jasper was feeling so terrible about what he had done that he went with the first solution, but unlike Edward he was quick to realize. You can say that they are being stupid, and they should do this or that, it is true, but we all do things that are undeinably stupid.

I apologize for so many author notes, and this particularly long one.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

A Last Night

"Jasper Hale, you're a coward!"

Jasper couldn't have agreed more. He was playing a coward. He would face anything in the world and not flinch, but Bella's wedding would kill him. Thus, he was packing, his suitcase open on his prop of a bed.

"This can't work. Sooner or later Edward is going to hear someone slip up. He's going to find out and him and Bella will be married. You can't leave. You started this, now you finish it."

"Edward will forgive her."

She slammed the case closed and pounced on top, her legs swinging barely reaching the frame. "This isn't about forgiveness."

"Then what is it about?"

"Fear. Your stupid pride. You love her, so be with her."

"It's not that simple -"

"It is!"

"Edward -"

"Forget Edward! What's more important to you? Our brother will be fine."

She knew the answer. "Bella. Bella's the most important. That's why I'm doing this."

"You're doing this because you're a coward! Don't lie to me, Jazz. You've _never_ lied to me. Don't now."

"She is better off with him. She's safer. But I can't be around to watch it."

She sighed. "June eighth."

"What," he asked, caught off guard. It was June fifth, a day after Edward's engagement (he couldn't bear to think of it as Bella's).

"That's the wedding date."

"That's three days away..." In the back of his mind he wondered why they were getting married so soon. What was the rush? Certainly Bella wouldn't be that eager...

She shrugged. "They're getting married here, the dress has been ordered since I saw the vision of Edward looking at his mother's ring. Emmett can get a license, that'll make Bella more comfortable. There is nothing to do but decorate and I do not need three days for that." She sighed, kicking the bed, "I would like to have more, but Bella's too depressed to make it any fun. We all want it over with."

He nodded shortly. It wasn't out of courtesy that she told him, it was for his knowledge. If he changed his mind in time... "Alice?"

"It won't make a difference. It will be the best present you can give her."

Wistfully he smiled. It was a good thing, as he hadn't bought her anything. Not even the shoes he was going to.

***

Bella didn't even have a week. As of June eighth her life would officially be around Edward. Living for him. She would make up the mistake of falling in love with his brother in the form of eternity.

Eternity... If that's how long it took then she would gladly give it. It was a small price to pay in regards of what punishment she should have been enduring. A long, painful death that wouldn't result in her vamprisim.

Lying back in bed she took off her ring placing it safely in the drawer. It was a bad reminder and that was the last thing she needed if she was going to play the part of a blushing bride in days. Perhaps right after the dreaded honeymoon he would change her, no more waiting. She would have to have someone do it as she was sure the nightmares were going to get worse.

It was the same every time. She was reliving the time that Edward left her. She was begging him to stay until she realized that the light was hitting him all wrong, that it was Jasper. He walked away from her and she died right there in the forest. It was a relief, to die of the heartache that he caused. It was like breaking something that had been broken before, and there was the part of yourself that was glad not to have to take care of it anymore.

During all other hours the ring was an annoyance. It felt heavy and out of nervous gestures (that was a constant) she twirled it. Even then, with its separate quarters in the nightstand she felt her bare finger. She couldn't get by with it for much longer, soon she would have to permanently wear it.

She curled herself against the headboard prepared to sleep, begging herself to feel lethargic. Instead her attention was caught by her swaying curtains and the shadow sweeping her room. That was right, she forgot to close her window, it was a clear still night.

Her heart was lodged in her throat for mere seconds, the time it took her to realize that it wasn't an enemy. It was Jasper. She thought fleetingly of closing her window but there wasn't a way that she could make it there in time.

Jasper hopped inside standing tall, wearing a serious but light visage. He stood there as if waiting for her to speak.

She wanted him to leave, she wanted to tell him off, but like the fool she was she went up to him and took his hand. "What took you so long?"

"Guilt," he said plainly.

"A last night." It was an agreement the second that the words left her lips. Without having to ask she knew exactly why he was there and it wasn't for eternity.

He raked his fingers through her hair and bent to kiss her. It was a kiss unlike anything else. It was the end to end all. He pressed himself on her and in a fight for it she pushed herself on him. He swung out her legs and she gasped, he took that moment to enter her mouth, swiping her tongue. He held her against the wall as he grasped her hips. He was careful with her, pushing on her tongue to keep it out of his mouth, to be sure she wouldn't cut herself on his teeth.

"Please, Jasper," she begged breathlessly.

His voice was deeper, huskier. "Whatever you want."

Holding her up he carried her to the bed. Gracefully he laid her down, him on top of her. He grazed from her hips to the bottom of her shirt, lifting it, goosebumps trailing him as he revealed her bare breasts. He brushed his nose from her naval to the spot between her mounds, and he inhaled greedily leaving a kiss there.

Bella crumpled his shirt as she pulled it off. He was being ever gentle with her, as if each moment was a reminder to him, but she wasn't about to be gentle with him. She dug her fingernails into his shoulders as he licked her nipple and blew his cool breath on it. She felt wet.

"Jasper," she asked again. They only had each other for the night and she didn't want one time with him, but many. She wanted the pain over with so she could enjoy him properly.

"Bella, are you sure?"

"Yes." Vampire or not, she was already going to hell, she may as well take what she could with her and the memory of that night would sustain her forever. As she rested in the pits of fire she would be adamant that it was worth it.

He shed his jeans, and glancing down all she thought was that it was perfection. He didn't alter her emotions, he let her settle, being aware of of herself, and she was grateful. They deserved at the very least to bask in the glory of their truth.

He hooked his fingers into her boxers and slid them down. As he did he traced the bones of her hip. She wondered if it was possible to get hypothermia from sex. She was shaking terribly, her hot body under his frosty one could not have been good for her health, but it was the least of her worries. If she died then everything would be solved and at the same time she would have her time with him. It was a win-win.

There they lay, bare to one another, souls and all. She didn't feel nervous or scared of anything that she perhaps should have felt, and even that didn't worry her.

He moved his fingers over her folds slipping one inside, the iciness of it a relief. She felt feverish. He added another and another and gradually he moved them. In and out, her juices coating them. He held them inside, to his knuckles as if he was searching for something and he found it.

She raised herself up overcome by an intense burst of pleasure. There was nothing that could come close to describing it. She was in the clouds. Her guilt, worries, tension, and trepidation fell away. Nothing mattered more than that feeling and the wish that she would never come down, but when she did what she saw made up for it in its entirety.

Jasper's hazy eyes glazed over. It was not the same as when his thirst would take control. It was full of lust, not for her blood but for her body.

He poised at her entrance, the coolness breathing on her, he locked their gazes for a second before stealing her lips and thrust once. She whimpered at the tearing of her hymen, tears spilling over. He brushed her hair and moved his lips over hers in apologies. His face was contorted much like she assumed hers was. As it was hurting her, the fresh blood was hurting him, his neck tense. He grabbed the sheets beside her head, and clawed at them. She heard them ripping.

Without taking a breath, his eyes locking hers, he slowly moved. He slid out to the tip and pushed back in.

As much danger as she was in she couldn't help but be more aroused by the intensity was putting forth, every bit of energy sparked the air, her nerves singing. Pain subsided for pleasure and she found her nails hooked into his strained back. She met him thrust for thrust. He took her hips and held her to him, his thumb located her clit, rubbing it in fast, tight circles. He ground against her, throbbing inside of her, a warmness flooding inside.

Arching her back, she climaxed with him. Such a sweet release. The clouds parted, the sun shined, lightening struck, all at once. Everything happened in that one moment, and she had fallen even in more love with him.

He touched her neck, kissed the hollow of her throat. He lied next to her and swept her cheek with his knuckles before scooping her on top of him. His temperature felt good on her and nearly instantly she fell asleep, but before she did she heard a feather whisper that floated over her hair to her ears.

"I love you Bella. Always."

She held him as tight as she could, but she knew she would wake up alone.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

A New Day

He traced her cheekbone, her jawline, her brows, every contour of her face. He touched her lips, parting them, feeling her warm steady breath.

Having a perfect memory he was obviously not memorizing her. He was simply cherishing every second he had in her presence. It couldn't be long until he had to leave her.

Would he ever be able to go back to the Cullen clan? Would he ever be able to live with them, with knowing he could never have her? Everyday of eternity seeing her with Edward... He couldn't do that. He could never go back. He would have to extract himself out of the family. He loved them more than words could justify, but he lived without a family before. He could do it again.

He thought of the plane ticket that was crinkling in his jeans. His one way ticket to Scotland. A new life, a new start, a lot of sheep to feed on, and a burning desire to return. He would never be happy.

In hours time the sun would lit Forks in green. Edward would be back and Jasper wouldn't let his scent be there. He closed his eyes and moved Bella from his chest, sliding her leg of of his and creeping out of bed. She made no movement, unaware that last night was the last time she would see him. He would be certain of that.

He didn't further torture himself by looking back. He didn't think about what tomorrow would bring. He lifted the window open and jumped out, avoiding the tree effortlessly. Simultaneously he broke into a run, straight into the forest. He would make a quick stop at the Cullen's for his bike and then he would be gone. For good.

From the garage, fury wafted toward him. He knew it could only be Alice and so he was not surprised to find her standing there with her arms over her chest, her foot tapping impatiently. Beside her was what was left of his bike, the body lying on its side without its wheels. That didn't surprise him either. It was just like Alice to do that.

He grinned despite himself. "Where are my wheels, Alice?"

"You aren't leaving!"

"I'm going to miss my plane."

Her eyes sparkled dangerously. She would look as adorable as a child in a tantrum if only she wasn't truly the most frightening monster he had encountered. He wasn't joking when he had said that before.

"This is for the best."

She laughed coldly. "You think I believe that vision? You won't leave us, not forever. You two will be together!"

"I have to leave. Permanently. I don't expect you to understand this... No one ever could without being in this position." It was as true as any words would ever be. No one could comprehend the complexity of loving someone they couldn't have, of belonging to someone else, of the guilt, of the need to stifle it, even if it was wrong, if they had never been there.

"I know you as well as you know me, Jazz."

Sardonically he smiled and raced outside to the bushes at the side of the house where indeed his wheels were, as he knew they'd be. He returned to pitch them next to his bike, one rolling past her to land among Rosalie's tools. Alice smiled too.

"This isn't over, brother."

He kissed her spiky hair. He would miss her the most out of the Cullen's.

***

Bella didn't open her eyes, she didn't feel beside her, she buried her face into her pillow and tried to forget. If she forgot it for the day, for the next, then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much when she did finally open her eyes.

However, when she moved her legs she felt the soreness between and with it brought the memories. Jasper, his kisses, his touches, his velvet yet husky voice. The joy of the release she felt with him.

It was a goodbye, a last claim, a last memory, a gift for the both of them. She realized that, accepted it, respected it, but when she did look to the other side of her bed and saw it empty the hole in her chest ripped open. She clawed at the mattress, anything to hold herself together, but why did she want to? Why was she afraid of the rejection killing her? Death was peaceful, she knew that, so why wouldn't she give up? Because she had a lot to fix, that was why. She deserved it, the classic martyr she was.

She was too far gone in her despair to hear the scratching at the window and the calls of her name. Somewhere in her mind she registered the voices to be Emmett and Jacob's. The window creaked ajar and she heard no more, but felt the bed shift to the right of her. Where Jasper was supposed to be.

A warm hand caressed her hair back and caught her streaming tears. A cold one took her hand. She calmed, not wanting them to see her tears, the weakness for loving someone she should have never loved, not because of what he was but because of the family he belonged to.

"Sorry, Bella," Jacob said not sounding very sorry at all. The idea of her with any vampire never grew on him. She was as good as his sister and as far as he was concerned no one would be good enough.

"It's for the best," Emmett added though he seemed to be lying as much as Jacob was. Emmett, who also took the stance as a brother took a different stance to who she should've been with. He said a few truthful things. "At least you'll still be in our family. It's going to be great having you as a sister! Not that you already aren't - "

"Shut up, leech," Jacob snapped.

"Whoa there dog, you don't want Alice hearing you say that."

"Can't you see that she's upset? Or is your super sight having a faulty moment?"

"Shut your muzzle -"

"Stop it," Bella suddenly cried. Any other time it would have been amusing but then it was too much. It was happy bickering and happiness was not something she could stand. Any emotion was too much, like sane on raw skin. She was beaten and they were inadvertently kicking her in the stomach.

Wasn't one rejection enough for anyone? How much more could she take? If Jasper left her beyond repair she could never make it up to Edward. She wouldn't be capable.

What would be the point of truly living?

_No_ she decided forcefully. She would live. She would amend her human life. She continued to believe that it was the least she owed.

She squeezed Emmett and spoke to Jacob. "Call Alice, I'm going to need to know these," she gulped, "wedding plans."

Jacob sighed heavily. "Bells, do you think it's such a good idea?"

Blankly she blinked at him. "What is?"

"Marrying Edward."

"Yes."

"You don't owe him anything."

"Jasper said I was a mistake. Maybe it was. I do owe Edward this."

He growled. "That -"

"Watch it," Emmett warned, unaffected by the confession, happily staring out the window.

"Jake, would you just be my best friend today? I'm," she inhaled, "going to need you."

He hugged her and kissed her forehead. "Yeah, I'll be here. I won't tear that le - "

Emmett began whistling loudly and dodged the punch that Jacob sent, rolling off the bed grinning proudly.

Bella rested on Jacob's chest and exhaustion befell her. She slept there and that time she knew she wouldn't wake up alone. Last night would be the last. Somehow that made her sad. She would never wake up to Jasper again.

Jacob captured the last of her tears.

* * *

Jacob took off into the woods, no doubt to get in his useless rounds and Bella sat at the kitchen table watching Emmett attempt to make her breakfast. She insisted that it was unnecessary but her please fell on deaf ears.

Black smoke curled from the pan and the shrill beeping of the alarm went off. With one hand he reached up and calmly tore it open, the noise dying instantly. She wasn't even halfway up from her seat.

"Emmett - "

"I think I'm getting the hang of this."

She groaned sitting back down coughing and waving the smoke aside. "Have you ever cooked before?"

"Of course I have."

"When?"

"Nineteen-twenty-two."

She rolled her eyes upward. She hoped that Esme had some food stocked for her. If not then Alice would possibly feed her, if given a shopping trip in return. Was she that hungry? Her stomach grumbled in response.

"How are you and Rosalie," she asked to get her mind off of food.

"Great, with all things considering."

"Considering?"

"She thinks Edward has a right to know about you and Jasper."

At some point Rosalie would let it slip, she should've realized that before. There would be no way to hide it from him forever. What would he do when he found out? Would he divorce her? Would she be a vampire by then? Would he leave her again? It would be easy to explain how she wasn't a virgin. She would lie. Many girls broke their hymen without intercourse, she learned that in school years ago. As far as Edward would've been concerned, she was a virgin. However, that would go right out the window with Rosalie.

Despite that there was no food in her she felt like vomiting. There wasn't a way to climb out of the hole she dug for herself.

"It'll be okay, Bells. He won't stay mad at you for long."

"And Jasper?"

He flicked the oven off. "He won't be a problem, he's leaving."

"He's what?!"

Emmett turned and rose his brows as if it should have been obvious. "He's leaving. He thinks its for the best, but - Wait, Bella!"

She had flung herself out of her chair tripping her way to the front door. There wasn't a clear thought in her head other than she had to stop him. It was exactly what she didn't want to happen: To break up the family. She wouldn't allow him to do that. They kept it a secret for a reason.

Fumbling with the lock Emmett wrapped a thick arm around her waist lugging her away like she weighed nothing more than a doll. That irritated her further and she made a grunt of protests as he sat her on the couch in the living room.

"Let him go, Bella," he said seriously.

She glared daggers at him. "He can't leave! Not because of me!"

"Don't you think this is for the best? You're marrying Edward."

"He didn't want me! Jasper left because he killed someone!"

His confusion morphed into a dawning of comprehension. Like a child finally understanding how to tie his shoes. Like he didn't know the reason Jasper was leaving. Why he didn't want her. "Alright," he nodded enthusiastically, oddly happy. "Go see Alice, I'll clean up here."

Apparently there was no room for questioning as he left her sitting there. Her brain tried to catch up with what happened but he called back, "leave him be."

_Fine_, she thought. If that was what Jasper wanted then she wouldn't deny him. How could she deny anyone at that point? She didn't just have her mistakes to compensate for to Edward, but to the rest of the Cullen's.

She did what Emmett told her to. She took her truck's keys from the makeshift of fishing hooks and her jacket. It was draped pointlessly over her arm while she walked into the pouring rain.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

Worth the Agony

Jasper had three hours until his delayed flight, but it was an unbearable thought to go home. There was something that Alice hadn't told Bella, and that was that the wedding had been moved up a day. Edward and Bella were getting married that day. Alice foresaw her better behaved if it was sprung on her last minute. For one, there wouldn't be an anxiety attack.

He watched a second plane leave the runway into the air. He thought of the last night they shared and how in a short amount of time he would be leaving it all behind. There was no escaping her though... She would forever be apart of him, apart of his very core. Every time he closed his eyes she was there, a permanent etch into the back of his lids.

He lied when he told her they had been a mistake. If there was any mistake it was the distance he kept from her in the beginning, letting his brother move in on her. Things could've been different. Instead of sitting alone in an airport running from his only true family he would be waking up next to her. There would've been the real possibility she wouldn't have woken up, she would have been changed. Instead they would have been doing something else...

Every memory he had of her was precious, but he only wished he had something more tangible of hers. Anything would have done, a CD, a ribbon, anything at all. He wanted something to hold. Was it unreasonable when he couldn't hold her?

Jasper glanced at his watch. One-hundred and twenty minutes and it would be final. He was going to lose everything.

***

Alice kept a firm hand over Bella's eyes. Though she knew Alice would never run her into anything she kept her hands out in front of her anyway. It was disorienting even when she was aware that she was being led into her friend's room, possibly trailing droplets. She hadn't been allowed to dry off, at least not until she was shown the surprise. She hated surprises. She hated gifts and there was no doubt that it was one.

In her mind's eye she could Alice's room, the sea-green comforter on the old-style wrought iron bed. The torn pages from various magazines over the years taped to the walls and the low hanging light fixture above that cloaked the room in a soft glow.

Alice's hand was gone and she reluctantly opened her eyes and saw that she was facing the bed, on it something slim and white. It was a dress. It was simple with a cream colored sash wrapped around the waist.

"What is it," she asked.

Alice sighed irritatingly and held it up. "It's your wedding dress." She looked worried. "Don't you like it?"

She smiled fingering the satin. "It's beautiful, but it's..."

"What?"

"It's not something you'd pick out for me."

"You don't want to marry my brother, Bella."

She didn't want to admit to that. She said nothing.

"I'm going to make this as painless as possible." She laid the dress over her arms. "He loves you."

"I know he does..."

"I was talking about Jasper.

Involuntarily, she cringed. "I made a real mess of things... We kept it a secret so we would do this right, so we wouldn't tear apart the family..."

Alice led her to the bed to sit down, handing her a tissue from her bedside. "Listen, Bella. You didn't do it for the family. Maybe that was your intention at first, but the real reason because you didn't want to hurt Edward. In the long run, it was terrible. You know he would only be upset that he felt he wasn't worth the truth."

"I'm sorry," she wailed, tears spilling. "I'm so sorry." She clutched the dress closer and Alice tried to loosen her grip, no doubt to prevent wrinkles from forming.

"You're not a bad person. No, listen to me, you're not! You didn't do it out of spite, out of selfishness, or any other reason than because you love Jasper. Love isn't wrong, it shouldn't be. How you went about it, yes, it was wrong, but that doesn't make you a bad person. Your guilt, it shows that you're not. This, right here, your tears," she touched her wet cheek, "and willing to marry Edward."

She sniffed. "I owe him this."

"You owe him the truth. Marrying him won't make anything better."

"You can see that?"

"I don't have to."

She straightened, wiping her tears on her shirt. By nature she was stubborn, she wasn't going to give up. She had gone that far, had made him a promise, and she intended to keep it. It had to do some good, show him how much she meant to him.

"Put on the dress," Alice sighed.

Confused, she asked, "why?"

"I need to know if it needs to be altered."

"You've never gotten me a wrong size."

"Please, Bella, don't argue. Not today. Trust me."

There was such intensity in those words that Bella didn't question her. She did trust her. She probably shouldn't have...

***

The family would be inviting the guests in, Esme greeting each one warmly while keeping their distance from Emmett and the men drawing towards Rosalie, or staying a good amount of distance away due to shyness. Jasper could imagine and he was glad that he wasn't there. Knowing it was hard enough. Bella, his Bella, was going to marry his brother in twenty-eight minutes. She would be his sister. That fact had his stomach rolling.

Another plane took flight and then horror struck him, for he smelled a woodsy aroma, out of place in the airport. His brother plopped down beside him.

Jasper nodded in solemn acknowledgment. "You're not going to talk me out of this."

"Alice thinks differently."

"Then say what you have to and we'll see."

"Come back."

"No, it didn't work."

Emmett waved his hand impatiently. "Give me a moment, jeez." He tapped his fingers on the armrest. "Alice doesn't always rely on her visions. She knows that it changes. She can't see you two together because your decision isn't to be with her. That doesn't mean she doesn't know. Don't' be so difficult, Jazz. You want her, so go get her and stop making all of our lives miserable. We want her in our family but only if she's happy. You are a 142 years old, bro. Time to grow up."

He growled. "She wants him. She asked for the ring."

"You left her."

"I killed a woman, Em."

"You've killed a lot of people. She's just another human."

"Is Bella just another human?"

"... No."

"This woman had a family, a man that loved her. Bella goes into the woods too, she gets lost. If that was her... I still wouldn't have been able to stop. I've almost killed her once, I'm not going to risk that again. I would have had her changed, but... I was an idiot."

"That's right," he guffawed. "You think she doesn't know the risks? She knows. You know, you're acting a lot like Edward, thinking he knew what was best for her instead of letting her decide for herself."

Jasper burned at that observation. "I'm respecting her decision to marry him. I am letting her make her own choice. I was going to go after her but it was too late. And besides that, Edward didn't kill someone while he was seeing her. He didn't take her away from me. He didn't watch her ask a man who loved her for a ring. I did. I thought maybe -"

"She would be better off without you?"

"I know her emotions better than anyone. I thought maybe if she latched onto him the way she did Jacob then..."

Emmett kicked him. "If you don't go to her now it'll be too late. If she's worth agony she's worth everything, and everything you've been through would be in vain. Things happen for a reason. You think if Rosalie and I were both human at the same time that her parents would allow me to marry her?" He guffawed again. "No. I would've never been good enough for her. And so I think we are who we are for a reason. You and Bella are meant to be. You know very well she wouldn't judge you for killing someone. She has never judged any of us."

"You think I was turned into a vampire to wait a 142 years for her?"

"I think you only get one shot at this." He looked at his watch. "Fifteen minutes."

He was right. She had never judged, always loved them. Jasper wasn't just keeping her at bay because he was afraid he'd kill her, it was for her happiness. What if she felt too guilty for whatever pain she would cause Edward? How could he live with himself knowing he was the reason? He knew the answer to those questions and none of them mattered.

At the fastest human speed possible, Jasper left the airport, just as his plane left the ground.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen  
Wasting Seconds

Jasper knew that Emmett was close behind but he wouldn't be for long. Jasper's bike weaved in and out more easily through the traffic on the highway. He pushed it as fast as it could go, the speed dial maxing out.

He was late being with her, he was late telling Edward, but he wouldn't be late getting her back. To any of the Gods above - if they existed - he begged and prayed for him not to be too late.

He recalled the images he kept most precious of Bella. Of her asleep in his arms, her legs tangled with his, her face as she orgasmed, her laughter, smile, her wild hair when she woke. The way she contemplated a hundred times harder than he had playing chess, the way she accepted him, the way she held his hand, the way she loved him. The feel of her physically and emotionally. He knew that there was no one better for her than him, there would be no one that would understand her like he would, and he knew that it was vice versa. There wouldn't and couldn't be another her.

It was his last chance to make his death worth something. Not a ruin, not worthless, not a secret. She would give him purpose. She had from the moment he met her.

***

Expertly Alice swept her face in powder and gloss. She was dreading walking down stairs. She dreaded it the moment Alice said, "keep walking forward, do so slowly."

Bella didn't brood on it. It was likely that she didn't want to know. Whatever her friend had planned she would let her go ahead with it. She wasn't in the mood to fight. She didn't think there was anything to fight for. Her life as she knew it ended when Jasper left before she woke.

There was music and soft whispering when she exited Alice's room. Alice, who had dressed in a beautiful green silk dress had disappeared beyond the stairs.

Bella took a breath. For whatever they had done she was going to need it. She might forget to breathe.

With agonizingly slow steps she walked to the top of the staircase where her father stood proudly. She knew at once that it was bad, whatever it was, and what she saw did indeed take her breath away.

Garlands draped the ceiling and walls, an aisle of petals, and her family, her mom, her friends from school, pale, golden-eyed beauties she had never met before but could only assume was the Cullen's extended family in Alaska... Everyone was there standing up for her, Alice at the end of the aisle, Jessica's father with the Bible in hand, Carlisle and Jacob beside Edward. Edward, in a tux, waiting for her with the biggest smile on his face.

She took a deep breath at the surreal scene, and banished the first thought of her mind as she walked down the staircase with her arm looped through Charlie's.

_Jasper..._

***

Jasper skidded to a stop in front of the house. He snapped his key out of the ignition dropping the bike on the ground, and began to run to the front doors. That was before Emmett had caught up to him wrenching him back by his shoulder.

"There's a ceremony going on in there! You can't barge in!"

"Watch me," he growled back.

"Man, haven't you seen it in the movies? Shouldn't you run in when they ask if anyone objects?"

"Screw that," he nearly shouted shoving his brother back. It was the wrong time for jokes, or doing anything by the stupid movies. "I'm not wasting another second! I've wasted enough seconds!"

He shrugged. "Then go get her."

He was already running to the door pushing it open, the banging making everyone turn to look at him. He wanted to shrink away from the limelight, something that he had in common with Bella. Neither of them liked to be looked at, but he kept his eyes on her in that white dress. He forgot about everyone else.

Bella turned too, and Edward saw everything in his mind. Flashes of images they shared together in bed, on his bike, looking at her through the window, their talks, how everyone had known. He even saw the moment Jasper cherished most, when Bella had orgasmed.

_"I was waiting for you," she said, relieved, and dripping with affection._

_"I know, I'm sorry."  
_

_"What took you so long?"_

_"I don't know."_

_***  
_

_"Breathe, Bella," he smiled at her._

_***_

_"What do we do, Jasper?"_

_"We wait until we find a way to tell them."_

_"Alice knows."_

_"Alice always knows."_

_"Then Jacob knows."_

_***  
_

_"You really love her, don't you," Emmett asked._

_"You'd thought I'd risk breaking up our family for nothing?"_

_***  
_

_Bella arched her back against him, her breasts brushing over his chest, her eyes closing, a moan escaping her parted lips, and he felt her contract. He could feel everything, every bit of her._

Edward froze, his mouth slightly agape. Carlisle put a hard hand on his shoulder as if to hold him there, but Edward wasn't going anywhere. He seemed to have been in shock.

"Bella," Jasper sighed. He forgot the people watching, he forgot that she was getting married, where they were at, everything left his mind like he was any other human. He wasn't even human.

He rushed up to her, careful with his steps, not because of the audience, but because he didn't want to frighten her - not like that was an easy thing to do. All of the times that should have scared her, missed her.

When he finally reached her he pressed himself to her and grasped her neck and kissed her lips. He drunk from her as if he had been gone centuries.

Four seconds was all he had before Edward forced him backwards, glaring him down. He was careful in front of the humans, they all were, not that it mattered in Jasper's case. He could barely glare back. He could still feel her lips on his. He was still reliving it, and in return, so was Edward.

Without questions or hisses Edward turned his back to him seizing the crook of Bella's arm. The three of them walked outside, Bella stumbling, and Jasper had the strong urge to steady her. The anger inside of him bubbled. He hated that Edward was dragging her out like a doll.

Carlisle was talking quickly with the buzzing people, Esme silently sending the shades down over the glass wall. Jasper hadn't noticed their feelings before, too wrapped up in his own, but the shock had left him in a bit of a daze himself. He breathed when he was outside, focusing himself on the situation.

It felt like a blasphemy to think of it as "the situation." There was no situation. He couldn't call it a mistake or even think of it as something they did wrong. How could loving Bella be wrong when it made them both so happy? How could he forget the magic that her kiss had sent him? She made everything right.

"I knew it," Edward grumbled. "I knew it involved you two. This is what everyone's been hiding from me!"

"I love her."

"I know," he yelled, the fury nearly knocking Jasper over. "I _saw_ that!"

"I'm going to be with her." It was a calm statement. There was nothing else to say.

"Pull your hair up, Bella."

She gasped, "what?"

"Show your neck and turn around."

With shaking hands she did and if Jasper thought the fury from his brother was bad it was nothing compared to what he saw there. His hand print blackening her skin.

"You could've snapped her neck!"

He didn't take his eyes off of the mark he caused. It send him the worst pain imaginable, worse than being away from her. "I tried to leave today. I was going to get on a plane. Because of this. Because I didn't want to risk her. I understand why you did what you did, Edward. I didn't understand before but I do now." He looked straight at him. "However, there is still the difference between us. I came back, I'm going to change her so this never happens again, and I will be with her. I will never cause her the pain you have put her through."

Edward froze yet again. He wasn't so much as breathing.

"Bella," Jasper called to her, glad to see that her hair was down covering the hideous contusion he left on her. "Will you have me still?"

She squeezed her lovely brown eyes shut and walked away. Jasper caught a glimmer of a tear streaking down her cheek. He clutched at nothing in his chest. Her hope, confusion, embarrassment, and love was crushing.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

Ready For Forever

Pathetically Jasper stood outside of Alice's door. Bella was in there, but he couldn't hear sobbing. He didn't know if that was a good sign. Maybe she was in shock. It was all a lot to take in in one day. Almost being married and a lover coming into the ceremony to break it up.

He knocked once and when he heard her delicate voice say, "come in," he did.

She sat forlorn on the bed in her white dress, her dark hair falling in ringlets over her shoulders. She was astounding as always. He could've stayed there for weeks staring at her, but he broke his trance and sat next to her. He wished to take her hand, give her the comfort he was feeling. He didn't. It wasn't need anyways, she felt oddly in control.

"I felt guilty," he confided. She needed to know, know all of his reasons. "It's not an emotion I'm used to having so please forgive me for not knowing how to deal with it."

"Guilty?"

"Guilty for leaving you. Edward left to protect you and I tried to tell myself that I did the same thing, but you see, that wasn't right. I didn't leave just to protect you, I left you because I felt guilty. I killed a woman in the woods and I knew you would forgive me. You always do. You're too understanding for your own good, Bella. I want better for you. I don't want you to be with an uncontrollable murderer. If it was just about protecting you, I'd have Carlisle change you sooner. But it wasn't just about that. I'm not good enough for you. I'm far from perfect."

She huffed. "I don't want perfect, I want real. And you are real." She slipped her hand with his.

"Even though my heart is still, and I have no blood running through my veins, you think of me as real?"

"You're not a monster, Jasper."

"I killed. I have killed. Even in my human life as a soldier, do you not believe that I haven't pulled a trigger?" All he remembered about his life as a soldier was that he did indeed kill. He wasn't able to recall the faces or what it felt like, but he recalled the shot out of his gun. He recalled the faded blood of his memory. He remembered nothing else, not the feel or the effects. Just that he did do it, he was capable, and in his new life he was worse for he didn't kill for duty but for the blood.

She brought his hand to her lips kissing his knuckles. "I believe that."

"You're worrying me... You're too calm for someone who just had their wedding crashed."

She laughed, rolling her eyes upward. "I guess I am."

"Are you in shock?"

"No... I just... I was hoping you'd come for me. And you did. You're here. I didn't want to marry Edward. I want you, whatever danger that entails, you are the one I want and have always wanted."

"Are you sure about this?"

She nodded. "Yes."

He ran a thumb over one of her burning veins. His mouth watered and he swallowed. He focused on the love that was emitting from her. What were they waiting for?

He pulled her to her feet and smiled at the light in her eyes. He twirled her once and brought her to him kissing her lips. The blood boiled underneath him but it would soon be gone. "It's a pity to let this dress go to waste."

She furrowed her brows but he didn't let her have the chance to brood on it further. He dropped to his knee, her hands captured in his. She gasped, understanding instantaneously.

"Bella..." He never thought it through, he didn't have a ring, or a speech prepared. He had nothing but her there with him, wanting him, flaws and all. He was never going to let her go again, and so he said the only thing that mattered. "Will you marry me?"

She smiled, nodding vigorously, more excited than he ever felt her, love bursting out of her in rays, warming him. "Yes!"

If he had a heartbeat it would've been flying out of his chest. He felt like he could fly. He stood and kissed her, not as careful as he usually was, but gentle enough. "Come with me," he said after releasing her lips.

"Where are we going?"

"It's a shame that your dress will go to waste, the flowers, everything. Why not today?" He tagged her along behind him out into the hall, relishing her wonder.

There were no more heartbeats other than Bella's. Her family and friends were gone. Earlier he had heard Carlisle and Esme promising her parents that they would handle things. If it weren't for what Bella called dazzling they would've never gone.

"Carlisle," Jasper called.

***

One by one the family appeared. Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jacob, and Edward. She held on tight to Jasper. It wasn't that she was afraid, she was worried. How badly had she hurt him? They all must've heard their conversation.

She knew where it was going. Jasper was going to be good by his word. He was going to marry her then and he was going to have Carlisle change her. Right then. Right there. She would no longer be human, but immortal and beautiful. She would truly be apart of the family, tied in every way. She was afraid that she'd start hyperventilating there.

"Jasper," she said gaining his attention. "Can I speak to Edward first?" If she was going to be tied to the family, she had to make amends. There was nothing worse than weak strings.

"Of course."

She left his side to go to Edward, Jacob growling lightly as he motioned for them to go inside of Carlisle's study. He shut the door behind them, not like it mattered. Everyone would hear but at least her friend's rumblings were silenced.

Bella went over to the desk. It was spotless but she ran a hand over the smooth wood. She was hesitant. She didn't know where to start, but what better way than an apology? Get it out of the way.

"I'm sorry," she said. It wasn't good enough. She turned to face him, looked straight into his gold eyes that burned her right down to her very soul. "I am so sorry."

"Bella... When are you ever going to comprehend? All we want is your happiness. You could have told me you wanted him."

"That wouldn't have hurt you?"

He smiled a pained smile and came forward trapping her chin between his fingertips. "Yes. It's killing me. He's more dangerous for you to be with than I am. The idea worries me, but I know, I heard what he has planned. If this is the best for you... As long as you're happy, I will be too. He's what you want, and I saw plenty in his mind for me to be certain that you are what he wants. I can't ask or let you stay with me. You two need each other."

She sighed in relief and hugged him. Her hold would constrict anyone else, knock the air clean out of them, but he held her back, chuckling, kissing the top of her head. Soon, her hold would leave him breathless.

Immediately outside the room, barely taking two steps into the hallway Emmett approached them. He poked her shoulder playfully, winking, and she had a sinking feeling that he was going to say something she didn't want to hear. She was wrong.

"You know, I didn't get my license for nothing."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm officiating the wedding! Alice wouldn't let me before, something about knowing this would happen," he grinned as though it was his vision. "You two will let me, right?"

She laughed lightly. Emmett officiating her marriage to Jasper... It couldn't have been more perfect.

Jasper brushed her cheek tenderly. "If you want your family back here, we can arrange that."

"No," she said, knowing he was reading the butterflies that were hoarding in her stomach. "I have most of my family here now. I'll give a story to the others later. I didn't want a big wedding to begin with and my dad got his fill of walking me down the aisle. This is only for official purposes."

Alice groaned and shot Edward daggers."You better get married in the next century, Edward! I'm missing out here!"

Edward rolled his eyes as Jacob happily curled his arm around the pixie's waist. He kissed her lips sweetly.

Emmett gave a sharp cough gaining everyone's attention. There, in the hallway of the Cullen home, Emmett married Jasper and Bella, Edward standing next to Jasper, and Alice and Jacob next to Bella.

They never took their eyes off each other as they repeated their vows. Before announcing them as man and wife, the not-so-serious officiator made a "bada-bing" sound, receiving laughs.

Jasper kissed her gently, slowly, letting her feel every bit of it. When they parted for oxygen it occurred to her that would be her first kiss as a wife, and last as a human.

He held her hand as they all moved into the study, where Edward and Carlisle began clearing off the desk, lying several blankets on it.

"Relax here, Bella," Carlisle instructed.

Jasper lifted her with ease on top of it and she lied down. She knew it was going to be painful, she knew it would end the life she knew, not just her heart, and she was ready, but she was scared. She never thought she'd be more scared of the decision she made nearly two years ago. She was less scared of being married, because no matter how much she despised it before, marrying Jasper had been right. It was the easiest thing she'd ever done.

She looked to the man who was the catalyst for her choice and the looked at the one she would spend eternity with, and she grinned. It was worth it. He grasped her hand.

"Don't leave me?"

"Never," Jasper promised. "I'll be here when you wake."

Esme gave her the motherly smile. "We'll all be here, Bella."

Rosalie snorted.

"The rest of us," Jacob corrected, Emmett laughing with him until Rosalie jabbed him in the ribs.

Carlisle bent over her. "Ready Bella?"

She kept her eyes on Jasper, wanting him to be the last one she ever saw. "Yes. I'm ready for forever."

He sunk his teeth into her neck.

* * *

A/N: I'm aware that this story is controversial and so I am grateful more than ever that at least some of you enjoyed it. This story was purely about Jasper and Bella keeping a secret in the face of fear and love, nothing more.

Thank you, for being the best readers a writer could hope for!

If you like my style I suggest that you check out my homepage where you will find bits of my writing outside of FF.


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